The story

~15 years ago, there was an all-girl superhero team called Superteens. However, the girls grew up, got married and retired from superheroing. Now all the former Superteens are 30+, most are married and have kids. The recent resurgence of supercrime (and some old supervillains, too) has led the women to the idea of getting back together in a new iteration of Superteens.

By day, they're normal loving wives and mothers, with normal families and jobs. By night, they don their old Superteen costumes, and become... Supermoms!

The team

Star-Striker (Beverly "Bev" Banks)
short brown hair, average height, average breasts & hips

The level-headed leader of the team. No powers, but superior hand-to-hand combatant and acrobat, and master tactician.
Has a working-at-home husband and two kids. Neither know about her secret life, though the husband has his doubts.
Her civilian job is a high-ranking manager at the Multi International Licensing Finances company, the CEO of which is their old archnemesis (neither know about each other's identities, though).

Mend (Anne-Marie Stephens)
red hair, ponytail, short height, big breasts, freckles

Initially, the latest addition to the Superteens team, and the youngest one of the bunch. Her power is powerful healing kisses.
Has a husband (bike repair shop manager) and twin kids. Her husband is secretly their former teenage nemesis Shadow Boy. After his defeat by the hands of Superteens (soon after his 18th birthday), SB seemingly disappeared from the face of Earth. What happened is, he and Mend (who was 2-3 years older than him) started dating and soon married. Nobody knows Donald Berstein's secret identity except his wife and other Supermoms.
She has no civilian job – she's a stay-at-home housewife. She likes it, though; especially baking cookies.

Damn, forgot pic

Sigrun Odinsdotter ("-")
long blond hair (or braid), tall height, thin, somewhat muscled

She's a valkyrie.
She's single, lives in a mansion (paid by the infinite Treasury of Asgard) with her adopted (and endlessly pampered) teenage son, and his young French nanny, Olivia Les Bien. The poor girl is so overworked by Sigrun, she has no time for boyfriends!
Sigrun's daily job is teaching. She sometimes gets into funny situations due to misunderstanding of mortals' customs.

Diva (Candy LaBelle)
black skin, dark curly hair, huge ass

Jive-talkin' mama with a voice that can be used to form solid constructs.
Divorced, raising a rebellious teenage daughter. The daughter found out her identity, but Candy doesn't know about that.
Candy doesn't work, she is living very well off of the royalties from her numerous smash hits back in the day.

Kaiju (Kim Ujifusa)
Asian, black hair in a bun, short height, petite build

She has size-changing powers.
Lives with her conservative husband and husband's parents, and two kids: a little daughter and a nerdy teenage son, who is dating Diva's daughter. The son has some suspicions about her double life, due to Diva's daughter's intel
Her job is lead scientist in one of the laboratories at the MILF company.

>>48798
>>48799
It should be noted that the pics here do not correspond with the characters described. Both of those pics are for >>48797

Tropica (Carmen Diego Tropicana Delacruz)
tan skin, long wavy auburn hair, hourglass figure

She has plant growth abilities.
Has a stay-at-home unemployed husband, and a lot (5?) kids of various ages and genders.
Works as a florist and aromatherapist.

Ah yes, the pics already posted are:
>Kaiju, Mend, Star-Striker
>Star-Striker
>Star-Striker
>Mend
>Mend
>Kaiju
>Kaiju

This post's pic is Mend.

Personalities (alpha version):
>Star-Striker
level-headed, energetic, leadership abilities, idea generator
>Mend
cheerful, nurturing, somewhat innocent
>Sigrun
haughty, self-centered, likes to look perfect and acts like it
>Diva
sassy ghetto black woman who need no man
>Kaiju
shy, reserved conservative Asian woman, very intelligent
>Tropica
cougar'ish, always flirting and seductive (don't put much weight into it, though)

Pic is also Mend

Villains (alpha version):

>Sinister Sorceress Seductra
A sultry MILF witch then, she appears to have reformed after her final defeat. Now an elderly lady, she's a conservative politician (maybe the town's mayor?). But did she actually reform, or was it all another clever ruse?..

>Leonard Drakethorpe (aka Lord Darkthorne)
CEO of the Multi International License Financing company where Star-Striker works as a manager. Neither knows the other's identity.

>Donald Berstein (Shadow Boy)
Their former mysterious and brooding teenage nemesis, he seemed to have completely disappeared off the face of Earth.

>Victoria Timberlake
Star-Striker's husband's ex-wife. She was a bitchy preppy girl and Beverly's main rival at school. After Beverly married her husband, the two women finally met after long years of having no contact, and became best friends, to Beverly's husband's horror.

Let's get this debate out of the way now.

This is going to contain hella incest, right?

Can we rename sigrgidg or whatever the fuck? We don't have to use ALL the ideas presented in the first post. What about Alice?

Pic is I dunno who.

Unfinished ideas:
- Maybe Tropica (or another Supermom) is secretly an alien
- Maybe one Supermom's husband's dad/mom is one of their old supervillains, and she only learns about it now
- Maybe there's also a former male partner of Superteens, who was a handsome guy / James Bond type back at the day, and all girls were in love with him. Now they've moved on, but he didn't. He resembles Larry Laffer a bit.

>>48805
Actually, no incest was proposed for >300 replies in the original thread. A lot of other lewdness, though...
>>48806
C'mon, she's a Nordic valkyrie

And btw, no one in their families knows about their secret lives. The exceptions: Diva's daughter (without Diva knowing), Mend's husband (ex-SB), and Star-Striker's husband and Kaiju's son have their suspicions.

SFW adventure ideas:

>Toymaster
Their kids' toys have started acting strange. Turns out it's one of their old villains, the Toymaster, is back in business. He has built an army of robots, so it's no easy task for the Supermoms!

>In-laws from Hell
One of the Supermoms' husband (dunno whose) is revealed to be a retired minor demon. His inlaws come to visit.

>Potluck Dinner of Champions
The Supermoms team up to take on their most challenging adventure yet! Making dishes for a potluck dinner for all the superheroes in the world

>Beach Episode
Obligatory. No plot yet, but:
>Star-Striker
average bikini with an American flag pattern
>Sigrun
white bandeau bikini
>Diva
yellow bikini with boyshorts bottom
>Mend
flower-patterned side-tie bikini
>Kaiju
conservative one-piece
>Tropica
micro-bikini
>Olivia Les Bien
topless

>>48808
Oh damn. I was considering doing concept art of the ladies, but I'm only here for the incest.

>>48805
I'd back this 110% if there is.

alright, i'm doing a comic script for this. it'll be sixteen pages (probably). no sex or outright lewdness. and no damn incest. you want your fanservice, you have to be subtle about it.

>>48815
Oh, well... fuck it then. I hope you have fun with it, but I'm probably not going to participate in this thing's development now.

The universes

In the original thread, there was a sort of agreement that the main ("canon") universe for Supermoms would be SFW, where they're prim and proper mothers and wives, and all their adventures are, while ecchi, innocent and light-hearted.

And then there'd be NSFW doujins, taking place in a sort of parallel universe, where Supermoms somewhat frequently engage in lewd acts (e.g., >>48810 >>48811 >>48813).

That way, it's equally fun to write stories about uncorrupted heroines, and to corrupt them!

>>48816
You misunderstood. Garuda's writing a script for the main (SFW) universe. If you're not interested in that, feel free to contribute to the NSFW doujins!

>>48809
NSFW Toymaster affects the Supermoms' "toys" instead.

Made a new /pco/ thread for lewd ideas/art: https://plus4chan.org/b/pco/res/151110.html

Deleted the NSFW adventure ideas from this thread. They have their own thread now in /pco/. This thread from now on is entirely for the main (SFW) part of the project.

I personally will try to contribute to both

Ideas for SFW adventures, based on real life mom problems and common situations

>in-laws
There are already 2 ideas based on this: In-Laws From Hell and Supervillain-In-Law. There's definitely a common ground to work with. However, who would be the mom with the demon/supervillain in-law(s)?
Maybe it'd be Mend, since her husband is a former teen supervillain, maybe his folks are supervillains, too. She has to be especially careful about her identity during their visit, and pretend to be a totally ordinary woman (or maybe even simulate some evil tendencies so that her in-laws are happy with their son's choice). Thankfully, her husband helps her get through this ordeal. Hijinks ensue

>body getting out of shape
A common problem, showcased in The Incredibles. However, I dunno how exactly it could fit our cast of hot-looking voluptuous MILFs? Then again, Elastigirl was already drawn hot, but nevertheless managed to get the point across.

>rebellious teen kids
A lot of opportunities for plots.Though how to make it superheroic? Maybe the mom has problems dealing with her, e.g., daughter, and it affects how effectively she fights villains (her thoughts are always elsewhere, she doubts herself as a mother, etc)? Or maybe a villain wants to enlist the son/daughter into his organization?

>bullies bully their kids at school
Maybe they're secretly members of an evil superbullying organization? And the moms are the ones to teach them a lesson

>>48822
>husband has problems at work or a difficult project, and mom has to support him
Maybe a husband's work project secretly attracted the attention of villains, and the moms have to secretly protect it without letting the husband know

>high school reunion
Maybe, superhero organization reunion in their case. Not their specific Superteens team, but a major superhero organization which Superteens were part of. Maybe some kind of superhero academy? Of course, some of the former superhero teens became supervillains later and now desire revenge, fights ensue etc.

>an old flame is back in town
Here's maybe where not-Larry Laffer comes into play. He was the hot guy all of the Superteens dreamed about. He probably even date some (or all?) of them, and of course broke their hearts and left them after a few weeks like the playboy he was. Now the Supermoms get to see what a repulsive human being he is – and was. He's not a bad man, though, and he becomes their ally in this episode in a fight with some villain.

>it's Father's Day, and Star-Striker decides to take a day off work, cook a dinner for her househusband and do all other household chores for a change
As she can't actually cook, she enlists the help of all her friends (Supermoms + Vicky) who lend her a hand. However, the Supermoms need to be careful not to let Vicky (or the husband) learn their secret(s) as they use their powers to help Beverly with her chores. And what's more, an invasion of mutant sentient cooking ingredients happens just at that time, and the Supermoms have to stop it, too!

A couple of neighbor-related ideas:

What about some annoying neighbors? That could be fun. Especially if one S-mom's neighbor is a conspiracy nut whose main hobby is searching for superheroes in an attempt to reveal them (think, mutant-haters from X-Men using the reasoning behind the Superhuman Registration Act from Civil War)

Neighbors could be fun. E.g., Sigrun could have some annoying (not mean, but obliviously annoying) neighbors who are the only thing on Earth and beyond that she can't ever defeat – because of their unique mix of stupidity and naivete. And that makes her even angrier.

Another idea

Supervillain parents whose rebellious teenage son wants to be a civil worker or something. Doesn't have superpowers or anything really iconic but he just wants to do good rather than be inundated with the gadgets and 'potential supervillain backstories' his parents supply him with.

He may become friends with some of the Supermoms' kids who'll help him find his own way

It could be an issue about a special Secret PTA Conference, where all members are superheroes/supervillains/etc. They set aside their differences to discuss common parenting problems. E.g., a grim-and-gritty Punisher-esque single dad could ask for advice about dealing with his cheerful and friendly kid daughter who prefers princesses and ponies to brutal justice. Our Supermoms also visit this conference, with parenting problems of their own.

And another food for thought: What about the Supermoms' family members? Let's flesh out their husbands, kids and other relatives.

What we know so far:
>Star-Striker
Has a working-from-home husband, who's usually one who does most of the chores. I imagine him as a rather charismatic guy, fun and outgoing, though a little light-headed, and it's obvious that most major decisions fall on Beverly's shoulders (who is the more leader-like and level-headed of the two). They're both very supportive of each other.
They have two(?) kids, but I dunno anything about them. Garuda, iirc, mentioned a teenage daughter in one of his posts

>Diva
Has a rebellious teenage daughter who dates Kaiju's son. She secretly knows about Diva's double life.

>Mend
Her husband, Donald Berstein, is secretly the former Shadow Boy. A lot has already been said about him in this thread. Maybe his parents are also supervillains.
They have twin kids (little is known about them atm).

>Sigrun
Has an adopted teen son (little is known about him). She pampers him a lot, and probably wants to make a true warrior out of him (an unlikely task).
There's also her son's French nanny, Olivia, who seems to be best friends with her older boss, despite Sigrun's blatant exploitation of the poor girl.

>Kaiju
There's her husband, his conservative parents, and her nerdy teenage son (who dates Diva's daughter). All of them need more fleshing out.

>Tropica
She has an unemployed husband, and five kids. Though I dunno – maybe the husband isn't unemployed, and is instead employed at her florist shop? Or maybe they're co-owners? In any case, Tropica's family also needs a lot of fleshing out.

Also, some of the moms could have their own parents, brothers/sisters etc.

So how exactly do you plan on getting more drawfags interested in this idea of yours?

Some character ideas:

>Hot Flash: a villainess in her 50s, who got her powers as a result of untested, experimental menopause medication. Has control over heat and can turn herself into a living flame, as well as multiply in her flame form. She looks good for her age and is well aware of it, which makes her extremely cocky and arrogant.

>social worker who is on a mission to discover the secret identities of the Supermoms, as he/she believes that their heroics endanger their children. While he/she has good intentions, his/her bosses are secretly bad guys who want the identities of the Supermoms so they can kidnap their children for insidious reasons.

>>48826
>superhuman PTA
I like this idea, like there's one night a month they all get into costume and meet on neutral ground (the specific location of the neutral ground could be humorous in of itself) and swap horror stories/advice. And to make it more absurd, some of the heroes and villains actually carpool or something to get there together. Maybe there's some character who runs these functions, who is extremely over-powered, to ensure that no "shop talk" goes on and it's just parents talking about their family lives. Maybe an otherworldly alien with unimaginable powers who chooses not to get involved with Earth affairs, except to create support groups for superheroes and supervillains. I have no idea what an appropriate name would be, though. Maybe The Genesis Being, where it's implied they're responsible for all life on earth, and as the "parent" of everybody they want to bring the heroes and villains together to better all of them as parents?

Another story idea:
>A giant radioactive monster, very similar to Godzilla or similar monsters, attacks the city. The Supermoms are powerless to stop it, and it knocks them around with ease. All except Kaiju, who it totally ignores in a hilarious subversion of her Japanese heritage. This gives Kaiju time to figure out a plan to stop it.
Maybe the plan involves shrinking it so it's palm-sized, and one of the Supermoms takes it in as a pet?

Someone's drawing of Sigurn in her civilian clothes. Would she have a separate civilian identity?

Maybe she could wear glasses while in her civilian clothes or something.

I also had an idea for Donald's (Shadow Boy's) parents. They could be retired supervillains, living off of investments made with their ill-gotten gains. They know that their daughter-in-law is a superhero and while they still make jabs and jokes about their son reforming and marrying a hero, they support them. They also like to rub it in Mend's face that they totally got away with all the crimes they did and nobody can do anything about it anymore. Maybe they're the "fun" kind of grandparents.

>>48830
Colored with glasses.

>>48822
>body getting out of shape
Perhaps Mend has gotten a little chubby from all the delicious treats she cooks, and when she dons her old costume for the first time in years, it doesn't quite cover the same area it used to? It would explain why she has so much underboob in >>48799

I noticed that Sigrun's powers seem to be absent, so I came up with some:

>unbreakable enchanted spear that can pierce through virtually anything. Sigrun also uses it as a parrying staff. Sigrun can summon it to her at any time, and it just materializes in her hand.
>superhuman strength and durability
Any more, or is that sufficient?

>>48827
>Star-Striker's kids
Betsy Ross Banks, 14. Cheerleader at the high school she goes to. Idolizes Star-Striker, and doesn't even realize her hero is her own mother. Currently is trying to get her mother to teach her how to drive, but Bev is hesitant. Betsy excels at athletics, and dreams of being a superhero when she grows up, a dream Bev is staunchly (and hypocritically) against. Typical bubbly blonde. She dyes her hair; naturally it's brown, just like her mom. Thanks to her fangirl goggles, she cannot see the sometimes obvious hints that her overbearing mother is in fact the superheroine she idolizes.

Benjamin Franklin Banks, 12. A thorn in Betsy's heel. He is every annoying little brother to ever exist. He frequently makes fun of Betsy for her superhero aspirations. However, Benjamin is a little genius, already taking classes at Betsy's level. While Betsy inherited her mother's natural athleticism, Benjamin inherited her smarts. Bev has to be extra careful around Benjamin as there is legitimate risk he might uncover her secret, and this boy stinks at keeping secrets.

>Diva's kid
Shaundra LaBelle, 16. Dates Marcus, Kaiju's son. Shaundra found out her mom's secret several years ago when she was looking for hidden Christmas presents one early December, stumbling across her mom's costume in the crawlspace. Shaundra hasn't told her mom she knows of her double life as Diva, opting instead to hold onto that little secret for later. Shaundra is bitter that she never knew her father, and that her mother has made seemingly no effort to contact him for Shaundra's sake. Sometimes, Shaundra will drop a hint to Candy that she knows her secret, but when pressed, will just give her mother the silent treatment, leading Candy to chalk it up to Shaundra being annoying for annoying's sake. Shaundra sports a 'fro and wears rebellious, punk-style clothing. She and her mom often get into fights over the most trivial of things. Part of Shaundra's disdain for her mother comes from the fact that despite "being basically an adult," her mom still hasn't revealed her secret to her. Is also angry at her mom for not buying her a car, even when her mom is rich from her singing career and can totally afford it. Works at the local shopping mall.

>Mend's kids
Harold and Jack Stephens, 9 years old. Twins. They both inherited their mother's hair color and freckles. These two rambunctious little scamps are full of energy and are often seen in Anne-Marie's house running around. Donald does a good job of keeping them from bugging their mom while she's working, be it at in the kitchen or at her "job." They don't know either of their parent's secrets, and Donald and Anne-Marie have vowed not to tell either of them until they're 18. They're both a bit chubby thanks to Anne-Marie's cooking, but are full of energy and love playing outside.

>Sigrun's kid
Alexander, 15 years old. This kid is spoiled rotten. He thinks it's weird that his adopted mother makes him study Norse mythology and practice with old Viking weapons on the weekends, but he doesn't mind since she buys him anything he wants. He already owns two cars and only just got his learner's permit. He knows there's something different about his "mother" compared to the other mothers he knows, but he can't quite put his finger on it. Sigrun keeps him distracted with every toy, every video game he could desire. Will Alexander ever face harsh reality, or will he be pampered all his life?

>Tropica's kids
Miguel (7), Carlos (10), Anna (11), Yolanda (12), and Maria (14). Not much is known about Carmen Delacruz's children, except they all love soccer and speak in rapid-fire Spanish, even when they know the person they're speaking to doesn't understand what they're saying. Yolanda loves helping her mother out in her plant shop, while the rest just enjoy bugging their stay-at-home father, who does his best to keep up with them. I'm thinking the father's name is Juan.

>Kaiju's kids
Megumi Ujifusa, 5 years old. Just a little Japanese-American girl. She loves sentai, and will cry if she misses her show (even if it was DVR'd).

Keiichi Ujifusa, 16 years old. Wears glasses and is a super nerd. Shy. Dates Shaundra LaBelle. He doesn't know what Shaundra sees in him, but he's happy to have a girlfriend nonetheless. His father does not approve of who he dates, as she is rebellious and not Japanese. Keiichi believes his mother may be more than meets the eye, if what Shaundra tells him about her mother (who is good friends with his) is true, but is too shy to bring it up with Kim directly.

Someone said that Sigrun's costume would be basically this, but with a huge cape and only one braid.

>my additions
Like, from the cleavage down, actual armor. Perhaps bare arms, with leather greaves, and chainmail leggings with an ornate leather piece dangling over her crotch, and high heels just for the cheesecake factor?

thinking i'm going to make Mend Scottish. or Irish. not sure. thoughts?

script going well, though. introducing characters successively.

>>48829
Wow, all solid ideas! Great job!
>>48830
Sigrun's civilian identity is a teacher (maybe history teacher, as she must know a lot about wars of all times?), who's still not quite familiar with Earth's peacetime customs
As for SB's parents... an interesting direction for sure, though I kinda like the "has to hide it during the in-laws visit" plot too... Hey, maybe at the end of the latter plot, it turns out they knew all along? And basically they don't hate SB or Mend for it, just use it for countless playful jabs etc. They may be (retired) supervillains, but they're not bad people (maybe they're the "Doctor Doom" kind of supervillains – understandable and somewhat likeable, just using questionable means, not the "total monster" kind).
>>48832
I dunno, I thought Mend would be the one who wouldn't hate her chubby looks since they look fine on her... Wait. That's how it usually happens, right? She looks fine, and everybody tells her so, but she's too self-conscious to listen to them. Might be a plot for an episode!
>>48834
Those are fine, however I'd be wary with the spear, since the project is based on cartoon aesthetics, so piercing enemies is probably too gory for this universe. Maybe a blunt weapon? Or just her fists?
Also, Sigrun is also a supernaturally better melee combatant than most humans. And perhaps, as a valkyrie, she has a natural "spider-sense" that tells her where a battle takes place? In peaceful life, it may show her where crimes are happening – and maybe even things like family quarrels? Maybe useful plot-wise.
>>48835
[cont. in next post]
>>48836
Looks and sounds cool! Definitely should have the "ornate leather thing dangling above her crotch". It should be cheesecakey, but not just a stereotypical Red Sonja metal bikini, it should resemble actual (if unusually minimalistic) armor
>>48837
Garuda, I like, like, 99% of your suggestions, but this one I don't like. "She's redheaded thus she must be Scottish/Irish" is so cliche! Besides, it'll give Supermoms a United Nations vibe, like they did intentionally gather members of various nationalities etc. (e.g., like the Planeteers, or the JLI, etc). Or then again, maybe that's what they did back then, 15 years ago, when they formed Superteens?.. Still don't like the Scottish/Irish thing, tho. Maybe keep her as "generic American", and turn Beverly into, e.g., Italian? What do you think?

>>48835
[cont.]
Wow, that's extensive! And so many great ideas, to boot!
>Beverly's kids
That's just perfect, nothing to add here!
>Shaundra
I liked how you fleshed out her story, too.
>Shaundra dates Marcus, Kaiju's son
Did you mean, Keiichi?
>Shaundra sports a 'fro and wears rebellious, punk-style clothing.
Sassy black women in punk-style clothing! How did you know my fetish? ...Hm, an episode must have Candy dress into such clothes for whatever reason (trying to understand Shaundra, perhaps, or bond with her?), so that I could fap away without expecting a visit from Chris Hanssen lol
>Donald does a good job of keeping them from bugging their mom while she's working, be it at in the kitchen or at her "job."
I thought Donald had a job at the bike repair shop?
>Sigrun's son
Yeah, he turned out great, too.
>He knows there's something different about his "mother" compared to the other mothers he knows, but he can't quite put his finger on it.
Heh, we can even make an X-Man'esque allusion here. His mother's secret may be both that she is secretly a valkyrie superhero, or that she's perhaps a bit too friendly with a certain member of the hired help...
>Tropica's family
Sounds quite fine. For some of my 2 cents about Tropica and her family, see next post
>He doesn't know what Shaundra sees in him, but he's happy to have a girlfriend nonetheless.
Would be funny if Shaundra is shown to think just the same exact thoughts about Keiichi.
>His father
Now probably the character who needs fleshing out the most!

All in all, a great job you have done!

[cont.]
Ideas about Tropica and her husband

I was thinking about Tropica, and what her character could be like.
I'd suggest she should be a somewhat stereotypical spicy Latina (but a bit of stereotypes is okay, since we're operating under cartoon aesthetics). She'd be basically:
>sexy and well-aware of her sexiness, always maintaining her looks, dressing in sexy (not slutty!) clothes, always playfully trying to flirt with everyone (she's not putting any serious thought in it, tho, as her husband is the one she loves)
>very jealous of her husband (she's never aware of the ironic double standard between her flirty behavior and her jealousy)
>quick on the tongue, has always a witty and stingy repartee for everyone (including supervillains)
>loves to argue, especially with her husband
>very energetic in general

Another man would be pummelled into the ground by such an energetic wife, but not Juan. He and Carmen are birds of a feather, as he's very strong-willed and never shy to stand ground on his decisions. That often leads him and Carmen to argue, and their arguments can get so heated, Sigrun can hear them without resorting to her super-battle-location sense. He's also very jealous of Tropica. However, all those facts never diminish their strong and hot passion and caring for each other, which hasn't waned even a bit since their marriage – as their ever growing number of children seems to attest.

okay, i used a script-writing program to do this, and it does NOT translate well into a Pastebin, so i'm just going to Dropbox the file as-is. you'll probably have to download Celtx from its website to view it in all its formatted and making-sense glory. it's free and fine, don't worry.

this one has Scottish Mend, but that's a two-second fix. it's just two seconds i'm too lazy to put in right now.

i used the established names throughout, and made them up to suit where i needed to. and as a caveat, i have NO idea how to write a stoic, shy bunch of people like the Japanese, so if that bit sounds really cliche, that's because it is. sixteen pages, mostly in a two-by-three panel format (except for a few stretch panels), ends with Mend dropping the bomb that she's still fighting crime. this was mostly focused on introducing the characters and their families. except for Sigrun's family, which i just remembered i forgot to include.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/7oohzfufrip9wz2/supermoms.celtx

>>48840
>Did you mean, Keiichi?
I was originally going to give him a non-Japanese name but decided against it and forgot to edit that part of my post.

>>48839
>I thought Mend would be the one who wouldn't hate her chubby looks
I didn't say she hated it. I just said her old costume wouldn't quite fit her the same way anymore.

As for Sigrun's weapon, I just wanted to give her something Norse to complete the gimmick, but I suppose she wouldn't necessarily need one.


Additional thoughts about Sigrun: if she's going to have a civilian identity, shouldn't she have a civilian name as well?

>>48843

i figured she wouldn't have one. gods don't demean themselves with secret identities anymore.

>>48844
So, nobody would figure out she's a superhero despite having the same name?

Maybe everyone just calls her "Sig" for short and nobody calls her "Sigrun" unless she's in costume.

>>48842
Nice! I liked it a lot!

BUT, I have to provide criticism. Here are my two cents:

>Perhaps Junichi should also make a comment about how Shaundra is not Japanese, owing to his more conservative upbringing?

>I don't love Scottish Mend, but I don't hate it either. If we were to put it up to a vote whether or not to make her Scottish, I would simply stay neutral. Not really a criticism, I know.

>It's not explicitly stated that Candy hangs up the phone between pages 5 and 6. Maybe in the first panel of page 6 she could be putting her phone down, just to illustrate that the conversation with Bev is over without making it seem like a jarring jump forward in time.

>Perhaps a line from Betsy in which she idolizes Star-Striker, which also makes it obvious she doesn't know that Star-Striker and her mother are one in the same? Also, I think Bev should call Betsy by her full name (including middle) instead of just "Betsy Banks."

>When Bev is thinking about the gang's children, Sigrun's adopted son seems to be absent for some reason. Like, maybe add, "And even SIG'S got a son. Adopted, of course." Which would have a nice double meaning. Did she adopt because she's from Asgard, or because she doesn't want to be with a man?

An idea for the next script (chronologically, story-wise): Bev tries to talk Anne-Marie out of being a superhero again, some of the group (Kim and perhaps Carmen) join her, but Sigrun and Candy start to warm up to the idea of donning their costumes again. The get-together ends on kind of a sour note and everybody goes their separate ways. Then, some superpowered threat attacks the city, and watching the coverage on TV, Beverly tries to convince herself to not get involved, but then she sees Mend show up, followed by Diva and Sigrun. When those three end up getting beat up pretty badly, and no other superheroes seem to be arriving to help, Bev has no choice but to hero up and help them out. And it turns out Carmen and Kim had the same idea she did, and the team is back!

I may start writing a little something but then again I might not. I'm pretty unreliable when it comes to scriptwriting, and it doesn't help that I suck at it.

>>48847
Addendum, I didn't think of these until just now:

>Perhaps the room that Candy is in as she talks to Beverly on the phone could have posters of her from her singing career, gold records, etc. on the wall, to drive that aspect of her character home.

>Maybe Sigrun says something to the tune of "it's not mead but it'll do" in reference to the wine. She is an Asgardian after all, and we all know how much the Asgardians love mead.

>Perhaps instead of "oh, hush," Carmen could say "Silencio!" on page 8 in a nod to her heritage and general spiciness.

>Is the rest of Bev's family still in the house when the girls are all together? If they were in, what if they heard the girls talking about their superheroics?

>If Mend was already back fighting crime, wouldn't the other girls have found out about it by now? She doesn't seem like the type of hero to be very "off the radar." Perhaps she just brings up that she is seriously getting ready to be a hero again?

Working on a script that's a follow-up to >>48842 now. No telling when it'll be done, though.

>>48842
I've just read the script, and I must say it's very good! It's funny, and the characters sound believable! And cute; I never thought that I'd characterize MILF characters as "cute" but they are. Sigrun is mai new waifu :3

Seriously, good job!
Some commentary:
>Betsy's room
Shouldn't there also be some kind of, I dunno, posters of male singers or actors, too? As of now, her 100% dedication to Star-Striker sounds like she has something in common with Sigrun, if you know what I mean lol
>better lazy than dead
Kinda dark, isn't it? It sounds as if Teen Queens disbanded because of some grisly death. Do you have one planned? If not, this sudden dark remark is very misleading. If you want to show she worries about her daughter too much, maybe try phrasing it a bit differently
>Yolanda
So Yolanda knows her mother's secret? Dunno... Doesn't that kind of upset the whole balance?
All in all, for some reason the dialogue between Carmen and Yolanda felt a bit bland compared to the rest (but it's still good, as the rest are very good!). May be just me
>Anne-Marie
Just wanted to say, my aversion to making her Scottish/Irish is just my opinion, man. If other Anons choose to make her Scottish/Irish, so be it.
>Junichi
He turned out a very colorful character, bravo. One of my favorites here!
>small-chested woman picking a dress with cleavage
Unrealistic!
>Kim and Carmen
I like their interactions, very funny
>Lurch
Ha!
>couple of final pages where Beverly talks to herself
I dunno, these also felt a bit rushed. Again, may be me

All in all, a great beginning!

>>48847
>>48848
I like your suggestions, too.
Yeah, I got the same question about Beverly's family, too

-------

So, guy, when do you think we should make a new thread on /co/ to gather new interest, and maybe ideas/art?

So, will the team be, in-universe, called the Supermoms?

>>48850
All of Carmen's family know about her powers. She's the only one who doesn't care about keeping her other life a secret from her family.

>>48852
Why not? It'd help avoid an unnecessary "Watchmen"/"Minutemen" type of confusion

>>48853
I dunno, I'm against it. The main idea of the concept is that moms have a secret life nobody knows about. There are exceptions, like Mend's husband (who was a supervillain and thus has a secret of his own), or Diva's daughter (who found out her mom's identity on her own, and keeps this a secret from Diva). Having all of the Delacruz family know Carmen's secret just breaks the balance entirely – for me, at least

>>48854
Maybe Yolanda knows but only because her mom trusts her, what with her being such a good help around the shop and all.

>>48855

i think that would work. i'll rewrite it in a bit.

as far as some of the criticisms: Junichi's disapproval of a non-Japanese girl was supposed to be tacit, but i can make it more obvious.

Betsy having non-Star-Striker stuff in her room was also supposed to be tacit. i just wanted the Star-Striker stuff to be most prominent. the picture of her goes in the center of the wall, not the picture of One Direction.

the final few pages feel rushed because they are.

i completely forgot to include Sigrun's family, but i'll put them in next time. i get the feeling that the other girls will end up resenting Sigrun somewhat because she still looks so much like the other girls, but then they'll talk to her son and he'll explain that she's having a hard time adapting to human life yadda yadda yadda, sympathy shot.

i thought it would be cute for Carmen's family to know about her powers (growing enormous vines in the back yard for the kids to slide down, making enormous dandelions, etc.), but i totally get that it's kind of confusing for her to randomly be known. i think Yolanda should know, if nothing else, because Carmen is actually really bad with plants without her powers, will be a tweest later on, and she's mature enough to work at the shop, she's mature enough to know.

Scottish Mend is whatever. yes or no, no real difference. i'm fine with getting rid of it. i included it because i'm Scottish. hell, maybe i should make her Texan.

>>48849 here, working on the script for "issue 2" or whatever it's going to be, a continuation of the script already posted. I had two ideas:

>When Anne-Marie reveals that she's going to go back to heroics, this piques the curiosity of the rest of the girls and they all decide to try and get the team back together for real, or as much as they can with their busy home lives. An old enemy returns and they band together to stop him, being rechristened the Supermoms.

or

>When Anne-Marie reveals that she's going to go back to heroics, some of the girls immediately support her, and some do not. Kim and Bev are staunchly against it. Carmen is against it as well, but not has hard as Kim or Bev. Candy is all for it (even beginning to contemplate a return to superheroics herself), and Sigrun supports Anne-Marie as well. Anne-Marie reveals that she talked it over with her husband and he thought she should go for it, and Bev and Carmen give her their approval, since what they were really worried about was how she was going to balance her home life with her hero life. Kim still disapproves, because as far as she's concerned, that stage of their lives is over and they need to support their families now. Later that night, Bev entertains the idea of donning the costume once more, but decides against it. The next day, however, an old enemy of the Teen Queens suddenly returns (the idea I was thinking of is they got out of prison and immediately returned to supercrime, complete with an army of henchmen). Bev watches his attack on the city unfolding on the news while she's in a coffee shop, vowing not to get involved as there are other superheroes that can handle it. Mend is the first on the scene, helping wounded citizens (her combat skills are still very rusty so she's not so great at beating up the bad guys just yet). When she is attacked by the villain, suddenly Diva and Sigrun show up to kick some butt. At first they seem to be holding their own, and Bev relaxes as she thinks she won't have to do anything drastic, but suddenly the tide turns and Bev has no choice but to help her friends. At the same time, Carmen and Kim are watching the battle play out on TV (Carmen in her flower shop and Kim in the breakroom at work (or something). Kim is still reluctant to revisit that period of her life, but Carmen and Bev jump into action, throwing on their old costumes and going to help their friends. The tide turns again, in the heroines' favor, until some giant robots show up to wreck the party. The former Teen Queens are outmatched, until...Kaiju appears! The giant woman engages the robots and helps our heroines trounce the bad guy! A news reporter shows up on scene to hopefully interview these heroines. Through the course of the interview, Bev lets it slip that the Teen Queens retired, had families, did the whole "real life" thing, but now they're back, baby! The reporter christens the team the "Supermoms" and our tale ends with Betsy celebrating the return of her idol and Shaundra even more angry that her mother has returned to superheroics, something she still hasn't told her daughter about. Perhaps even another old enemy of the Teen Queens sees this, and begins to plot a revenge years in the making...

I chose the latter because it's obviously the better narrative. It's harder to write, but it's clearly going to give the superior story. Right now, I'm at a stage in the script where I'm about to get to the return of the old foe, which will probably be the hardest for me to write because I suck at action scenes.

>>48857

i'll fix any action scenes that you can't do. just leave those panels blank, marked as ACTION SCENE.

>>48857
So, the former foe I was thinking of is:

>Professor Insidious: real name Mandrake P. Oxford, a former pioneer in the field of robotics, who turned to evil, constructing an army of robot soldiers, big and small, to conquer the world. The Teen Queens stopped his evil machinations, and he has spent the past 17 years in prison. However, he has been released early and desires revenge against the heroines who put him behind bars in the first place.

>>48855
I agree with this suggestion.
>>48856
>Betsy having non-Star-Striker stuff in her room was also supposed to be tacit.
Ah, now I see, thanks for the clarification.
>Carmen is actually really bad with plants without her powers
Nice, I like this twist
>i included it because i'm Scottish
Oh wait wait wait, now I totally agree on making her Scottish. We're here creating MILFs of our dreams, why not do what we want! After all, like, half of my contributions to her design are based on an ex of mine who's a similarly cute young MILF. So yeah, you have my sword, bro
>>48857
I like the second story! Wow, this project is really shaping up nicely
>>48859
A solid concept

Btw, guys, what are your thoughts about the cheesecake aspect of this comic? Will there be more specific cheesecake elements in the story (e.g., like Kaiju's backshot with the tattoo – forgot to mention that I liked it!; dressing/undressing scenes, sexy poses, corny attacks like e.g. a butt bump, etc.) or should the cheesecake be mostly in the art? What do you think?

>>48861
Well, in the script I'm working on, there will be an upskirt of Kaiju when she's giant-size (drawn from the perspective of a regular-size character looking up as she towers over them), and Diva rooting around a crawlspace for her costume with her ass sticking out.

>>48862
Noice
Just don't forget the other girls, too

Btw, let's brainstorm ideas for their costume design, especially design clarity and potential for fanservice. Design clarity-wise, I feel that Star-Striker's and Kaiju's superhero costumes that I drew are too detailed and need to be redesigned into something more simple. What do you guys think?
As for potential for fanservice, let's see. Mend has the underboob. Kaiju may have pantyshots (btw, what kind of panties would a conservative Asian middle-aged woman wear? Or maybe that'd be a gag where in every scene she's in costume she'll get a pantyshot, and every time the panties are different? Could be fun). Diva can have a cleavage/window on her ass (too radical? or blaxploitation enough?), or maybe a whale tail, I dunno. Sigrun could wear her minimalistic armor over a naked body, so when some parts lift during battle (e.g., her leather thing that covers her pubic area) only a clever view angle keeps it SFW. What about Beverly and Tropica? Any ideas?

>>48863
>what kind of panties would a conservative Asian middle-aged woman wear?
Striped pantsu.
>Diva can have a cleavage/window on her ass
Maybe in the NSFW universe. I think that's a bit too lewd for the SFW universe, though.

>>48863

Diva needs shoulder pads. ass window, maybe not, but certainly something that shows off her hips.

Tropica's costume is literally made of vines, like Bayonetta's.

>>48865
What about Tropica's mask? Maybe it's flower petals around her eyes?

>>48864
Striped pantsu; that's a fun subversion, since I've usually seen those on animu schoolgirls, would be fun to see those on a MILF
But what do you think about the "different panties" gag?
>Maybe in the NSFW universe. I think that's a bit too lewd for the SFW universe, though.
Fair enough. Maybe really whale-tailish low-riding pants then?

>>48865
>Diva needs shoulder pads
Okay; but why? I'm afraid I don't get the reference here
>Tropica's costume is literally made of vines, like Bayonetta's.
That has a lot of potential, but may be a real bitch to draw lol
>>48866
I like that

Would anyone object to Kim's costume coming out of her tattoo? It can be part of her powers, explaining why it stays the same size relative to her no matter how big or small she gets.

>>48869
That's a great idea technically, but I've got some concerns:
>How can a schoolgirl uniform come out of a tattoo? (visually)
>It means the artists would have to draw the tattoo in, like, every second shot, and those hieroglyphs have got over9000 lines in them (I wikipedia'd it)

>>48870
Ribbons of light come out from her back and wrap themselves around her body. When the light dies down, it's her costume.

It can cover the tattoo, so you wouldn't have to worry about drawing it all the time.

Work on the second script is going well, I'm just getting to the action scenes and it's a bit easier than I anticipated...for now.

It's going to be a hell of a lot longer than 16 pages, though. The narrative I'm going for isn't one that can be rushed. Hopefully I'll have it finished by tomorrow.

Just a heads up, I gave Diva the ability to fly as well. I figured we needed a member of this team who could fly, and I felt it fit best with her vs. anyone else.

I'm really liking the way this script is shaping up.

>>48870

i think the tattoo stays the same size, even when her body changes. so she's a hundred feet tall or whatever, but she's still got this little pin-prick of ink on her back that looks like a single pore or something.

>>48868

pointy shoulder pads. it's an Eighties thing. it's a soul music thing.

>>48871
Hm, a Sailormoonesque naked transformation scene? Me gusta
>>48874
>Just a heads up, I gave Diva the ability to fly as well.
Well, okay, but... why Diva? Wouldn't it make more sense for Sigrun (as she's a supernatural being)? Or will that make Sigrun OP?
>>48876
>tattoo
Hm, may work, I think we should leave this to the drawfags
>pointy shoulder pads. it's an Eighties thing. it's a soul music thing.
Ah, I see. Do you have any notable examples?

Oh, btw, just had a cheesecake-related idea. DISCLAIMER: I know I'm gonna get tarred and feathered for this, since I know too well that no artist likes to change their finished work. But hear me out:

How about inserting a shower scene into the script? E.g. when Beverly is talking on the phone to other Supermoms, after her scene with Betsy. A lot of women like to talk when taking a bath, so it's not strange. We may show her talking while walking into a bathroom, filling the tub, undressing (tasteful panel composition in work here) and entering the tub. The rest of this talk could go while she's in the tub, with soap censoring all the naughty parts etc.

What do you think?

Story idea:

A rift between universes open and out come...the Superdads! From an alternate universe, the Superdads are the identical counterparts to the Supermoms...well, except they're guys. These beefcake heroes must team up with our heroines to defeat an insidious villain from their universe and send them back to their own earth.

This can also be an NSFW story as well.

>>48879
Yeah, I thought flight would make Sigrun disproportionately powerful in relation to the rest of the group, and it just felt right to give Diva flight opposed to anybody else.

>>48881
Ahaha, I like it, it's a nice nod to a common comic book plot! Would be interesting to see how the Superdads and their families look like! Btw, another episode could have Anti-Supermoms who are their evil analogues (and with dominatrix-type skimpy costumes, of course)

>This can also be an NSFW story as well.
Hunky superpowered alpha male Superdads seducing Supermoms from their ordinary, down-to-earth husbands
How lewd :3
And then Supermoms could find out that basically your own clone with the same negative traits and bad habits as you is an insufferable partner, and that their normal husbands understand and complete them much better (both in life and in sex), so they return back. Free moral lessons in your porn comics!

Maybe Star-Striker should be also able to fly?
Reasons:
>as of now, she's severely underpowered, compared to the rest of her teammates
>the cape is totally impractical for an non-superpowered ground fighter

Thinking back to my decision to make Diva able to fly, I think it was kind of shitty that I just made a unilateral decision like that in what's supposed to be a group effort.

How about, instead of flight, she can surf around on solid sound that she creates, kind of like how Iceman gets around with his ice?

Also, I had an idea that, for things that require delicacy and finesse, Diva could go "shhhh..." and that would create a very skinny strand of solid sound, enabling her to do things like pick locks, tinker with tiny things, etc. Like, for example, when Candy is searching for her costume and Shaundra is being too nosy, she locks Shaundra in her own bedroom and uses a bit of solid sound to jam up the lock so her daughter can't get out and "discover" her secret (of course Candy does not know that Shaundra already knows).

>>48883
I don't know about that. I think the team needs one down-to-earth character, and Star-Striker should be it.

She does know more about combat than anybody else in the team, even Sigrun (whose idea of combat is "punch stuff really hard"), and she's a more capable leader and better at tactics. I think, with those traits, she can stand with her teammates. I mean, look at Mend. All she can do is heal people.

Kaiju in one of her battle poses.
Tried somewhat different proportions, and a simplified costume for Kaiju.

Btw, idea for a funny cheesecakesque scene regarding Kaiju. The aforementioned first battle of the Supermoms is shown on national television. When Kaiju turns big, and her pantyshot is shown (as stated by the scriptanon above), it could be a page-sized big panel, interspersed by smaller panels where we could see different TV viewers' reaction. In particular, one frame shows Junichi shielding Keiichi's and Megumi's eyes with his hands, and several, on contrast, showing horny male viewers (e.g., a couple of horny teens, a group of loud black men, several middle-aged men in a bar), on the contrary, peeling their eyes at it.

>>48884
>Thinking back to my decision to make Diva able to fly, I think it was kind of shitty that I just made a unilateral decision like that in what's supposed to be a group effort.
It's okay, you explained your reasoning, after all.
>How about, instead of flight, she can surf around on solid sound that she creates, kind of like how Iceman gets around with his ice?
Now this is even cooler, I'd suggest you switch to this. Those soundwaves she surfs on could even be represented by note lines (you know, several parallel lines with notes – don't know how they're called officially). Cheesy, yes, but pretty cartoonish.
>Also, I had an idea that, for things that require delicacy and finesse, Diva could go "shhhh..." and that would create a very skinny strand of solid sound, enabling her to do things like pick locks, tinker with tiny things, etc.
Good idea. I'd just suggest that she uses not just any sound, but melodic/musical sound. She's a singer, after all! Rap, too, of course.
>I don't know about that. I think the team needs one down-to-earth character, and Star-Striker should be it.
I see your reasoning. But what about the cape? Should she lose it then?
>I mean, look at Mend. All she can do is heal people.
Maybe we need to give her some, at least, semi-offensive powers, what do you think?

>>48885
I like the idea with all the people watching TV reacting to Kaiju's pantyshot, and I was originally not going to include Kim's family in that scene, but now I think I have to, just for the humor factor of it. Maybe Junichi could have a stereotypical anime reaction while he's covering Megumi and Keiichi's faces, like a spontaneous nosebleed or something?

There is one scene I have planned involving a character's family member that I'm really excited to write (I've just barely started the action and the whole team isn't assembled yet in where I'm at right now) that I think will be pretty cool.

I also had an idea for Kaiju, and it's nothing that I'm putting in the script I'm currently working on, but an idea for the future: perhaps she can change to any size, not just giant-sized. She can get really tiny as well. And, to avoid drawing the tattoo all the time, it can be absorbed into her body when she's in costume, like it IS the costume, or is a vessel for the costume of some sort.

One question I have, for future reference: is Kim's Kaiju tattoo magical, or science-based?

And about Kaiju's costume design: I like the look and color scheme better in general in >>48885 but I prefer the mask/facepaint? design from >>48802

Maybe we could meld those two, keeping to the color scheme and neck-down of the most recent design, with the old design's mask/facepaint?

As for Tropica's costume, here's what I was thinking:
>her mask is flower petals around her eyes
>bare feet
>vines wrapping around both her legs up to her knees (or just below them), then snaking out and combining around her waist like a belt, with a miniskirt (emphasis on the "mini") maybe made of cool-looking leaves or grass or something
>the vine continues in one solid piece up her side, wrapping around her chest to cover her boobs (just the NSFW bits), then snaking up her back and resting just above her shoulder. She can use this vine as a striking,tripping weapon if need be, and it can extend for quite a bit without compromising her decency.
>Bare arms? Or maybe something there?

It's a costume she can make herself, using only her powers, in seconds.

>>48885
>But what about the cape? Should she lose it then?
No way! It looks good, and this may seem stupid, but to me, the cape screams "leader."

However, I think her costume does need a slight redesign. The white, plain thong really sticks out to me as "boring" compared to the rest of her costume.

Just had a crazy idea for Diva re: her method of transportation.

>using her voice, Diva forms a bar out of solid sound, upon which notes appear in front of her, and she hops from note to note to move forward, up, down, any direction

I think it would look really visually impressive.

Now, I think given her powers, Diva's lungs should have an endless capacity, but she can become exhausted if she keeps it up for too long. A nice side-effect of her limitless lungs is that she doesn't technically need to breathe and can last underwater theoretically infinitely, should a situation in which going underwater is necessary arise.

Tropica, giving an interview after a Supermom victory, to a rather flustered reporter.
May be even a scene in the comic, after their first victory!

>Oh my, so you say you stood right here filming the battle? How brave! I just love brave men like you--
>Ms. Tropicana, ahem, excuse me, b-but could we get on with our interview?
>So professional! I like it~

>>48886
>Maybe Junichi could have a stereotypical anime reaction while he's covering Megumi and Keiichi's faces, like a spontaneous nosebleed or something?
Hm, maybe, but it should be a very stoic and restricted nosebleed lol
>perhaps she can change to any size, not just giant-sized.
I support this, would give her more variety story-wise
>And, to avoid drawing the tattoo all the time, it can be absorbed into her body when she's in costume
Maybe the tattoo will just be covered by the costume?
>One question I have, for future reference: is Kim's Kaiju tattoo magical, or science-based?
Could be both, but if we're going with animu tropes, maybe magic fits better
>Maybe we could meld those two, keeping to the color scheme and neck-down of the most recent design, with the old design's mask/facepaint?
Thanks for the input! I was afraid the kabuki-style mask was too strange-looking. Okay, I'll put it back.
>>48887
Yeah, Star-Striker's costume design definitely needs some tweaking.
>>48888
All solid ideas. I support them.

>>48890
And Tropica in civvies, with a young male customer.

>Oh dear, young man, what a great choice in flowers! Have you bought them for some girl? Looks like you're a man who knows how to please a woman...
>Mo-o-o-om!!! Stop it! That's my boyfriend!

>>48890
I like what you did with Tropica's costume! Way better than the dumpy miniskirt idea I had! I also like the luchador mask as a nod to her heritage.

Now, any ideas for Diva? We have some good ideas for Sigrun so far, but nothing that isn't lewd for Diva.

>>48892
Thanks!
>I also like the luchador mask as a nod to her heritage.
That was actually the idea – to based each Supermom's costume around a different style (an existing type of mass culture hero + other mass culture elements). So, Star-Striker is a typical American cape comics superhero, Kaiju is a mahou shoujo (with a kabuki-style mask since Japanese designers love including such traditional elements in animu character design), Tropica is a luchadora (mixed with the flirtiness and voluptuousness of female characters in Latin American comics). Diva should be blaxploitation (afro, boob window, yellow bell-bottom pants, someone mentioned shoulder pads) – I'll try to see if it's actually drawable. Sigrun would be fantasy.
I honestly have no idea about Mend! When I drew her costume (>>48799), I had no thoughts about it (I just wanted to draw the girl), so it turned out simple but bland. What style could we go with her?

>>48893
The underboob definitely needs to stay. Perhaps something that reflects her healing powers? I don't know, I like it pretty well as is, although maybe the mask needs to be changed, but into what I don't know.

I finally finished the second script, and I actually did it on time for once! It's rough as fuck, I'm super shitty in coming up with creative sound effects, and I didn't write Mend as Scottish (someone who knows how to write that style of dialogue, PLEASE change it because I have no idea what I'm doing there), but the deed is done! And it only took 41 pages!

I took a lot of suggestions offered in this thread and incorporated them into this script, and there is one scene in particular that I just can't get over how great it already is (try to guess which one it is!); I only hope it's not actually shit and I'm blind to my own deficiencies.

I would do a quick proofread for typos and spelling errors, but it's late and I have to get up early tomorrow morning, so I'll do that tomorrow when I get home.

Please, guys, PLEASE read this, and tell me what you think. I crave your criticism.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/koniw0vgwurknf0/supermoms2.celtx

>>48895
Already thought of one thing I should have put in there:

>Beverly makes a remark about how her costume doesn't quite fit her the way it used to

Also, I had an idea about Diva's costume. Maybe in her civilian identity, she doesn't have an afro, her afro in costume being a wig, maybe attached to her mask, with a pick sticking out of it at all times. Also, booty shorts. That's all I got.

>>48895
Re-reading it, I realized I made a crucial error, where I renamed a character halfway through the script and, when going back to change their name, missed several places. I also helped myself to a few minor changes here and there.

DO NOT READ THAT VERSION. READ THIS ONE.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/koniw0vgwurknf0/supermoms2.celtx

>>48895
>>48901
Turns out, since I didn't name the file differently, it shows up as exactly the same, so I didn't even need to post again. Oh well.

So, for a follow-up to the Supermoms becoming a team again, I'm thinking:
>Shaundra is furious with her mother over her returning to superheroics, but is being extremely vague about it, so Candy just thinks Shaundra's still mad that she doesn't have a car. Shaundra then reveals her mother's secret to Keiichi, but he doesn't 100% believe her, asking her for evidence. This could lead to a long-term subplot of sorts where Shaundra keeps trying to procure solid evidence that her mother is a costumed crimefighter.
>Junichi is glad that the Supermoms are here to protect Sapphire City, but he thinks that Kaiju woman is a bit too provocative. He sure is glad he's not HER husband!
>Yolanda figures out that Carmen is Tropica (which isn't hard since Yolanda was already privy to her mother's powers), and Carmen has to reiterate to her daughter that it needs to stay their little secret.
>Betsy has finally met her idol, Star-Striker, and it has only left her wanting more. Beverly is no longer to change the subject to get Betsy to stop talking about wanting to be a superhero, and things start to get heated between them, but the two end up bonding over working out in the gym after Betsy begs Beverly to give her a ride. Beverly's got to stay in fighting form too, you know! Beverly is still staunchly against Betsy becoming a superhero. Picture a number of conversations having underlying humor based on Betsy not knowing Bev's secret.
>Donald tries to teach Anne-Marie combat moves, but all he knows are bad guy tactics from his days as a villain
>Sigrun's adopted son Alexander is none the wiser, kept distracted by Sigrun's pampering, but his overbearing, doting nanny is concerned about our heroine! Does she know? Or is it...something else? Or...BOTH???

Anyone have anything to add?

Very nice! I liked it, it's an interesting and fun read. A good conclusion to the exerpt posted earlier.

As for commentary, note that these are just my personal opinions.
I started writing it after I read the first version, so maybe you already changed some things I mention here; if so, disregard.

>scene at Beverly's house
Felt a little drawn out, tbh. Maybe it'd be best to shorten it a bit, to the most essential scenes and dialogue bits.
>He can take care of the boys while I'm out.
Again, strikes me as weird. Is Donald a househusband like Steve? I thought he had a job
>All I needed was you girls' approval! Thank you all so much!
In contrast to the lengthy scene, Mend's exit looks a bit abrupt. "Bye girls, I visited your reunion only to get your approval, now that I got it I have to run!" Maybe a caption saying that a couple hours more has passed (talking about the good old days, giving Mend advice etc), before they start to leave?
>The wins is flowing.
Heh, yeah, despite some small rough bits pointed out in this commentary, the wins is surely flowing in this script.
>Close-up of Beverly's face. As she looks at her old costume, she can't help but smirk.
Beverly: Hurm. (sorry, couldn't resist)
>Maybe I'll pack the costume and throw it in my trunk.
Why? I don't get her reasoning here. As a suggestion, maybe she wants to get it to the cleaners or smth like that?
>...but I have RESPONSIBILITIES now. And besides, supercrime's basically NONEXISTENT these days anyway!
Maybe break this text a bit differently. On the previous page: "But I have RESPONSIBILITIES now. And besides..."; on this page: "...supercrime's basically NONEXISTENT these days!"
>Seventeen years...
Maybe show him looking at the "Early Release" paper with a sad and pensive look on his face, as he says these words?
>I have just the THING to bring them back... Back...to their DOOM!!!
Maybe add words like "revenge" or "they're gonna pay" into his dialogue somewhere, to drive the point home that he wants to fight them again not just because he likes to fight them (a la Obelix who always seeks some Romans to fight), but because he wants revenge for putting him in jail.
>Beverly is (almost) dressed in her business attire
Maybe the first panel shows her striding out of her room while buttoning up her shirt (her lacy bra is shown underneath)? For the cheesecake factor, you know. And the next panel, she's going down to the kitchen to Steve and Ben.
>Honey, ainren't you FORGETTING somethg?
Wait. Steve is a caring househusband who knows his wife is overworked and currently late to work. Why didn't he take care of Betsy himself? This part is kinda jarring. Maybe, as he's somewhat lightheaded (Bev is the responsible and level-headed one in this family), have _her_ remember that? E.g., like this:
Panel 1. Bev storms out of her room, buttoning up her shirt (maybe thinking something like "If I'm late to my executive meeting today, I'm doomed" as a humorous echo to Prof's last words?)
Panel 2. She's quickly descending the stairs, sees Steve and Ben at the table.
Panel 3. Bev grabs a toast. "Steve! Where's she?" Steve: "Eh? Who?"
Panel 4. Angry Bev "Our daughter!" Ben: "Hah! That doofus is late, as usual!"
Panel 5. Bev rolls her eyes at her family's ineptitude, goes back to get Betsy
etc etc.
>Betsy is flexing one arm and we can see some muscle definition already.
I know some people on /co/ who would definitely like that.
>BEVERLY (O.P.) HEY! Give that back, you geek! It's VINTAGE!
Shouldn't it be BETSY (O.P.)?
>And I'LL be seeing YOU tonight, hun.
Dunno, but sounds a bit too horny for this scene. May be just me.
>Pupils! Sit in thine assigned seats
So wait, everyone's kids except Betsy are late? That statistic seems kinda strange to me. Maybe drop the Sigrun scene, and just keep showing everyone's kids getting ready for school? Or change Sigrun scene to her arriving early to class and either chatting with some other teacher, or getting ready for class, or thinking some thoughts?
>Panel 3 (with Candy and Shaundra)
The description is at least 2 panels. Smth like this: Panel 3a: Shaundra getting to leave "Mom I'm leaving for school" "Not that you would care", Candy lying watching TV. Panel 3b: Shaundra rolling her eyes, Candy (O.P.) "Have a nice time, sweetie! I'll be here when you get back!" Shaundra "Yeah"
>Carmen/Yolanda scene
The whole scene is very strange to me. Why is Yolanda acting like a little kid? Why are other kids ordered in a row? Why does her husband act like a spineless doormat? That's all just feels weird to me, sorry.
Maybe (just a suggestion) smth like this: Carmen and Juan arguing about who will talk to Yolanda ("Talk with your daughter!" "No you talk with your daughter!") and persuade her to go to school, then Yolanda arrives and joins the shouting match, showing that she inherited both her mother's and father's genes. Still, Carmen wins the argument using both her iron strength of character and her quick wit.
>complete with an apron that reads "Kiss The Cook"
UNF
And a nice nod to her powers!
>Donald, tries to corral them.
Would be fun if every time Donald appears, some visual stereotypes associated with such "mysterious brooding prettyboy" archetype would play out. E.g., shown as a dark silhouette before his face is shown, hair flowing in the (often non-existent) wind, sarcastic one-liners, maybe even some playful villain-talk towards his wife (and her equally playful hero-talk towards him) etc. It could start right in the 1st issue, before it will be revealed that Donald is secretly SB.
>EXT: A nondescript warehouse, out by the docks.
Maybe you could insert a page of Sigrun beginning the lesson here. Among her pupils are Betsy, and maybe also Shaundra, Keiichi and Yolanda, too.
>Buzz Edison
Maybe it would be fun if Prof. thought everybody will instantly recognize him. But the citizens, including Buzz Edison, don't know who he is (the peak of his career was 17 years ago). When he learns of it (maybe he's also watching the TV broadcast in his cockpit), it makes him even more furious, and even more hungry for revenge against the Teen Queens.
>Sigrun is standing before a classroom full of students
Shouldn't Sigrun says smth along the lines of "By the All-Seeing Eye of Odin!", to complete the parallel?
And maybe (maybe) cut the rest of Sigrun's scene – so it would look like a series of panels going "Oh my God!"–"!Dios mio!"–"Aww HELL naw!"–"Oh no..."–"By the Braided Beard of Beowulf!"–"You've got to be kidding."
>Anne-Marie is struggling to put her costume on. She's gained a bit of weight since the last time she wore it, and is having a bit of a hard time putting it on.
I'd suggest to leave the "put some weight since then" thing to Beverly. Mend has already put her costume on several times, so she would already know that. And in any case, this story is more about Bev and her problems with revisiting her past.

[cont.]

>>48903
[cont.]

>Suddenly, Anne-Marie, in her Mend costume, comes out of nowhere, scaring Beverly.
Just an idea. Maybe we could give Mend flight, too? Firstly, it'd give her at least some defense (and more usefulness in a battle). And second, in this scene she could suddenly descend from the skies. That would make a nice meaningful contrast – Beverly on the ground in her civvies, signifying her ordinary mundane life, and Mend descending from the sky in her superhero costume, signifying the fantastic superhero life.
>Beverly is in disbelief that her friend is back in costume, and also mildly put off by how...differently Anne-Marie's costume fits her now.
Er... how do you imagine all that spectrum of emotions drawn in one panel?
>Bev/Mend/Sigrun arguing
Would be funny if they punched/kicked/soundwaved robots during the argument from time to time, without even taking their attention away from the argument.
>The robots are closing in on Anne-Marie. She only now notices them and is scared out of her wits.
I'd suggest this should be a situation where all 3 (Mend, Sigrun and Diva) are in trouble. Or else, it looks like Star-Striker is only useful when Mend is in troulbe and the others are busy.
>Out of nowhere, Beverly, fully decked out in her Star-Striker costume
Here you could put a scene of Bev changing into her Star-Striker costume for the first time in a long while, complete with thoughts about being out of form and putting on too much weight etc.
>CAROLINE
Heh, is suddenly changing his gender Buzz Edison's secret superpower?
>As of yet, there have been NO reported superhero-
Btw, we still have no explanation as to why no other superheroes showed up. Maybe superheroes, like supervillains, have also been in decline recently? Maybe Buzz could mention this
>Carmen's "dressing" scene
What about this: maybe intersperse panels of Carmen "dressing" with panels of Kim driving home? Would make a nice contrast between Carmen's giddyness to start again, and Kim's reluctance.
>BUZZ (O.P.) Tropica!
Maybe show the vine hovering right above Buzz and his cameraman, with both man staring at Tropica slackjawed. And in the next frame, Tropica could wink at them playfully. Could be a nice foreshadowing for the later flirt scene.
>All of the girls are happy to see her, and she is happy to see them.
She should definitely hug someone energetically. Maybe even a flustered Sigrun
>Kim's entire body is overtaken by the light now as she poses, arms outstretched.
A nude transformation scene in the middle of the street? Noice!
Seriously though, you managed to capture that animu feel very well
>Carmen goes down, unconscious, a dart sticking out of her neck.
*butt
>MEND! (not much of a match for me, I'll admit...)
I don't think he should reiterate the point of Mend's melee uselessness one more time
>A very tasteful upskirt shot of Kim
Uh-huh, of course, ve-e-ery tasteful
>A stuck-up looking conservative woman harrumphing.
Looks too similar to the old woman. Maybe a middle-aged couple (think Homer and Marge Simpson); the husband gawking, the wife disapproving?
>Give up?
Needs a pun in the end. And maybe some puns during the battle (from both sides), as well.
>Tropica and Anne-Marie are doign something cute and funny in the background
Hm? What do you have in mind, for example?
>The SUPERMOMS!!!
It would be realistic that a name coined by a journalist out of the blue, wouldn't be easily accepted. It'll help end the issue on a funny moment. E.g., like this:
BUZZ: But...they're not exactly teens anymore, are they?
BEV (thinking): Hm? He's right, I guess...
BUZZ: If this reporter may be so bold, perhaps they need a new name...
BEV (thinking): That's true! I wonder, what it could be?
BUZZ: This humble reporter suggests to call them...
BEV (thinking): The Power Women? The Wonder Ladies?
(new page)
BUZZ: ...THE SUPERMOMS!!!
BEV (thought panel in the lower part of the page): Wait, what?

All in all, great work!

>>48902
>This could lead to a long-term subplot of sorts where Shaundra keeps trying to procure solid evidence that her mother is a costumed crimefighter.
Could be interesting. May even at some point interfere with some Supermoms' operation, and Shaundra, feeling guilty, tries to make up for this (while keeping it secret, of course).
>He sure is glad he's not HER husband!
Heh, I love Junichi.
>Picture a number of conversations having underlying humor based on Betsy not knowing Bev's secret.
Another source of humor may be that even when Star-Striker fucks something up, Betsy hails this as a brilliant tactical move, much to Beverly's dismay.
>Donald tries to teach Anne-Marie combat moves, but all he knows are bad guy tactics from his days as a villain
Could be funny. Especially if it's not some dishonorable scum moves, but rather pompous camp villain moves (the ones, e.g., Darth Vader or Dr.Doom would use).
>but his overbearing, doting nanny is concerned about our heroine!
Btw, maybe Sigrun hires Olivia in the next episode? Before, she was homeschooling Alexander herself, but now she knows she has to spend more time away from home so she has to hire a nanny. That's why she wasn't shown in issue 1!

As for ideas, I've got a thought: maybe have a mom (Mend, maybe) have a little baby? Megumi is a small kid, and I mean a toddler. Could be cute + give more plot opportunities. What do you think?

And an idea for a part of a further episode: Supermoms have to deal with their newfound fans. Could be some fun moments. E.g.:
>Betsy conquering the position of President of Sapphire City's Official Star-Striker Fanclub by cunning intrigue and blatant threats (she's the head cheerleader, she's keen in these things)
>Keiichi becoming fan of Diva, which makes Shaundra angry (may be the reason she decides to tell him Candy's secret)
>Kaiju believing her fans to be reserved and intelligent people similar to her and her family, but discovering they mostly consist of the opposite (horny teens, or rowdy bikers, or the aforementioned loud black men, or all of the above), much to her dismay.
>Tropica, on the contrary, terrorizing her fans with her flirting of mass destruction.
And the villain in this issue may be a disgruntled fan who, e.g., is mad that the Teen Queens didn't answer his letter 15 years ago, or some shit like that

>Oh no, villains, you di'nt!

I don't know how ghetto black MILFs usually dress, so no civvies for Diva.

>>48903
Working on making some changes. The scene with Carmen and her family is legit really, REALLY tough for me. I made it better than it was, but it's still not good. I just can't figure out how to make it work, to get Carmen's spiciness and wit across, while at the same time not totally burying the spiciness and wit of her husband and her daughter.

Thanks for the review! I'll upload the updated draft later tonight, probably.

>>48906
Very nice! I like it! All that's left is Sigrun's costume, and we'll have the complete team!

I had an idea for Mend, because I'm really not a fan of how useless she is in combat.

>by placing both fists together, Mend can create a shield bubble that can protect anyone within its radius. She can theoretically make them of any size, but most of the time it's only enough for a maximum of six people to fit inside.

Maybe in a future story, she discovers she can actually project her shield bubble like a projectile, giving her offensive capability? She's too sweet to really be offensive, but eventually, as a Supermom, she figures it out.

>>48905
I think Sigrun should have Oliva from the beginning. She does live in a giant mansion after all, and why would an Asgardian warrior lower herself to tasks like cleaning and cooking?

Made a bunch of changes. I still need to figure out how to write the scene where Carmen is interacting with her family. It's better than it was in the first draft, but I still don't like it. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Dropbox link remains the same, but the file is revised. >>48901

Also, it is now 43 pages long due to changes.