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File: 122626027357.png-(331.38KB, 647x980, LadyandtheVAMP.png)
648 No.648
All-purpose Twilight thread.


FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Expand all images
No.650
File: 122626256672.jpg-(26.56KB, 1127x60, No, sir, I don't like it.jpg)
650
I might download it out of morbid curiosity, though.

No.654
It's the new Harry Potter.

Yes, HP was that shitty. At least the last 3, anyway.

No.666
possibly the ultimate death knell from the fanfiction generation. Shit like this might actually serve to legitimize terms like "Mary Sue" as valid critiques of literary works.

Really I think I'm done with Vampire stories after Anita Blake. I'll pass on reading it.

No.668
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668
Postan.

No.669
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669

No.670
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670

No.671
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671

No.672
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672

No.673
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673

No.674
needs moar makeout-vomit


BECASE THAT'S WHAT WE CALL A SYMBOLOGY

No.676
I was never into vampires. Pardon me for saying, vamp fans, but they kinda... seemed like pussies to me. I mean with the garlic and sunlight nonsense. I much preferred werewolves who had the mystery of not just hiding during the day but walking among us, perhaps unaware and they RIP AND TEAR RIP AND TEAR. I've never found any good werewolf novels, though.

No.677
File: 122635577244.jpg-(32.03KB, 289x475, n936.jpg)
677
>>676
I'm glad someone else prefers werewolves.

As for good wolf fiction, I can't think of a lot right off the top of my head. There was, however, THIS...

WORLD WAR TWO WEREWOLF

No.678
Vampires have been turned into a femininized icon.
Oldschool vampires: evil wizardly beings who roamed dirt farming Eastern European towns at night. 'Vampire' a loose term for a supernatural voodoo man, and the term was even interchangeable with other village terms for were-creatures. Sometimes they eat you, sometimes they drink your blood, sometimes they take your soul, sometimes they can reproduce sexually, and sometimes they can't. Depends on the town you ask, and what date.

Dracula vampires: Vampires go from some interchangable label with a host of cultural superstitions of Evil Magic People into undead creatures with blood thirst and modeled after Vlad the Impaler. Still monstrous creatures, now they're just as rich and powerful in the mortal world by popular consensus, as well.

Hollywood vampires: No reflection, fangs, sunlight weakness, blood drinking, sometimes magic powers, rich, handsome, Old Money and Powerful. Domineering fantasies, essentially.

Fanfic Writing Chick vampires: Androgynous, bi-sexual, a lot of emphasis is paid on the BDSM aspect of the shit (since people just CAN'T get enough of this inane BDSM-BS.) Mopey, emotional, angsty, and the sub-human aspects of their humanity inflated to make them more sympathetic and wilting willowy. (Anne Rice, Anita Blake.)

WoD and Blade vampires: Hyperviolent, modern and grittygrimdark. There's really not much to say here. Halovampires.

No.682
That’s it, I vow if I ever write a vampire character he'll wear a Hawaiian shirt, have a cheery outlook on un-life yet still be hideously grotesque. Im talking Nosferatu (spelling?) grotesque here. And no sex drive, cause ... well HIS BALLS ARE DEAD OKAY.

No.683
>>677

Ooh. I shall check that out, my good sir.

No.692
File: 122645707545.jpg-(47.55KB, 305x600, smiling jack 2.jpg)
692
The Vampires and werewolves of the Whitewolf games will never be surpassed in terms on sheer awesomeness.

I'll always think of Smiling Jack whenever I think of Vampires.

No.693
>>692
The best things in WoD right now are Promethean and Changeling.

No.695
>>692
>>693
Worst think In new WOD? Malks no longer being a true clan...

No.721
>>695
I think the worst new thing about New WoD is that..
it's terrible. :(

No.722
What I don't get about Twilight fans is how often I hear "My girlfriend/sister/some girl I know really wants me to read this..." from males.

I know you have to be loose a few brain cells to read this crap but why would they think anyone without a vagina would be like it? It's obviously aimed at girls, it's like telling a guy to play with Barbies.

No.724
>>722

Those are just excuses. Truth is, they wish to be the little girl.

No.725
File: 12267831698.jpg-(10.28KB, 355x438, LobsterinaJaneson.jpg)
725
>>724

No.726
>>722
You know, there's a certain variety of chick (and probably a certain variety of guy) where they act out on what they want the world to be, and ignore things that detract from what they want, no matter how selfish or implausible they are.

I was briefly friends with a woman (lol internet friendships) before she randomly unveiled and disclosed her obsession with mpreg fanfiction. As in, would NOT shut the hell up about it, and just didn't understand the concept of other people (specifically, guys) not finding it the most interesting thing in the universe. Just out of the blue at least once a day,
"I just read the hottest mpreg fanfiction ever! He's the link!"
"Hurfdurf I'm RPing full metal alchemist mpreg! IT'S HOT!"
"We're roleplaying Inu-Yasha. I'm a yaoi Sesshoumaru ^.^! Brocest mpreg is HAWT."

This went on until I had to go waay beyond a cordial and delicate request for her to stop, into outright telling her not to do it anymore because it was driving me up the damn wall. She blocked me soon after that, saying I were being immature. Well, pardon me for not wanting anything to do with a 30-something fangirl's demeaning mpreg fantasies.
Fangirl zeal is to be feared, because they will not take no for an answer.

No.728
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728

No.731
One of /tg/'s Magnificent Bastards cooked this up a while back. I give you: Twilight, as the setting for a Dark Matter campaign.
====
Forks, Washington. Summer 2007.

Hoffman Institute agents are dispatched to the area to investigate animal mutilations that White Section Sasquatches had nothing to do with. The investigation eventually leads back to the town and the strange circumstance around it.

To make a long story short, there are two major players: Isabella Swan and "Edward".

Isabella Swan is the assumed name of Rita Weathers, a 26 year old latent psychic. While she doesn't control it directly, she has the power to alter the subconscious thoughts of large numbers of people. Her deep seated insecurities and neuroses, however affect the entire town by making them puppets in a live version of her fantasy world, where she is an eternally loved high schooler. By the time the agents pay a visit to Forks, she's on the verge of discovering her psychic abilities, but can't control her major ability due to her insecurities. If attacked, she may display telekinetic abilities, but she mainly relies on Edward. If knocked unconscious, it turns out she's been projecting a Glamour effect; she's actually rather plain.

"Edward" is the assumed name of a Bering demon, one that feeds on the misery of others. A few years ago, he came to Forks while roaming through the Northwest and stumbled on Isabella Swan / Rita Weathers little puppet show. For something that feeds on agony and misery, this was a banquet. The townspeople of Forks, while going though the motions of Rita's fantasy, are still partially aware of their surroundings and are in constant despair; tears rolling down their faces, even as they smile at you. Edward's need to protect Rita stems from the occasional moments of clarity the townspeople have. One of the eternal students at the high school tried to run over "Isabella" in the parking lot, not by accident, but in an attempt to get Edward to kill him in revenge. Edward, of course, found that hilarious and let him live.

Edward's appearance and mannerisms are his approximations of her deepest fantasies. If researched, his appearance is based on a marble statue outside of a mental hospital in Arizona where Rita was interned five years ago. Edward's mannerisms are base attempts to reach the epitome of the 'dangerous' and 'novelty' columns of Ladder Theory. These attempts, however are shallow and unbelievable, the only reason it works on Isabella / Rita is because she's certifiably insane. The animal mutilations, as it turns out, are also parts of this act, to convince Isabella that Edward is indeed a "vampire", so she could keep the fantasy up and he'd have a meal ticket for at least the next half-century.

Like other Bering Demons, Edward is vulnerable to Arcane and Divine FX, Silver, and Holy Water.

No.744
>>695
THE FUCK!?!?!

No.755
>>678
And then you have the best Vampires.

Dr. McNinja Vampires: Build cyborg duplicates of themselves. Abduct celebrities to the moon to drink their blood. Hide the cure for Cancer on Mars.

No.758
FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUCK
I GOTTA BUY TWILIGHT MERCHANDISE FOR SOMEONE.
ASS!

No.759
(NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD) likes Twilight.

...Goddamnit. They've gotten to her too.

No.761
File: 122748681266.png-(17.76KB, 500x700, 1227159732965.png)
761
Taskmister: Would Twilight have been better,
Taskmister: if it was about Pimps instead of Vampires?

No.763
>>761
dracsmack.png

lol fund it

No.780
Does anyone have the list of 'Number of Times Bella Described Edward as Dazzling'? I'm gathering up every piece of Twilight propaganda I can find so I can keep it in my pocket. I feel like being an ass to my teenage cousins.

No.784
Today I heard a group of tittering girls say Twilight was shit. I still don't respect them, but my esteem of them has gone up somewhat.

No.785
>>784
At our Thanksgiving get-together, my teenage cousin was talking about it for awhile. She didn't hesitate to call it the best movie ever.

Everyone else just kind of referred to it as 'that' book. Wasn't sure what to make of that.

No.786
>>785

Throw good books at her. Good, thick, fantasy epics.

No.787
File: 122792611894.gif-(113.92KB, 561x311, covers.gif)
787
>>786

No.788
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788
>>786

No.792
File: 122800752796.jpg-(21.94KB, 307x500, Chattering Unnamable horrors IN AMERICA.jpg)
792
>>788>>787

No.796
I want to see somebody do what Bram Stoker did, from a different angle. Stoker took a pile of vampire lore, picked out the bits he liked, smushed them together, added some flavor and personal touches, and created a literary icon.

But there's so much he chose not to use. Here are some very minimal attributes of folkloric vampires:

The Upir is the name for the vampire in Russia and the Ukraine. He doesn't drink blood, and he doesn't have fangs. He just fucking EATS YOU. Upir eat flesh, and they don't care if it's living or not, just that it's human.

The Nelapsi is a Czech vampire. He carried the plague, has three hearts, and can kill you by looking at you, like a basilisk.

In Hungary, there is a vampire who drinks blood. He also has no fangs. Instead, he carries around a bucket. If he meets you, and you are unprotected by the cross or some other defensive measure, he hits you on the back so hard you cough up blood and die. He catches the blood you vomit up in his bucket, and then gulps it all down.

Traditional Romanian/Transylvania vampires DO drink blood, but they're not pussies; they don't go for your veins. They don't go for your throat or your wrists. They don't have fangs either. Instead, they BREAK OPEN YOUR RIB CAGE, lean in, and bite STRAIGHT INTO YOUR HEART, then lets the blood pump straight down his throat.

And this isn't even describing what they LOOKED like. They weren't handsome. They weren't suave. Imagine a hirsute human corpse with a unibrow and hairy palms, ruddy and swollen with blood and chewed flesh to the point that the skin is stretched so thin that its become shiny, often compared to animal membranes stretched taut over a drum.

No.799
>he hits you on the back so hard you cough up blood and die.

MY BLOOD! HE PUNCHED OUT ALL MY BLOOD!

No.801
>>799
what a weird coincidence, in one of an old acquaintance's vampire:the masquerade games, his character punched a dude who proceeded to puke up a bunch of blood. I wonder if it's just a coincidence...

No.802
I never had a problem with "Suave, seductive" vampires until Twilight. Back in the day, it was just another way for them to get someone to let their guard down and get some fangs in their neck, but thanks to Meyer... Bah.

No.804
>>796
>>The Upir is the name for the vampire in Russia and the Ukraine. He doesn't drink blood, and he doesn't have fangs. He just fucking EATS YOU. Upir eat flesh, and they don't care if it's living or not, just that it's human.
...that's not a vampire. That's a ghoul. Or a Wendigo.

...I want a genre of literature based on Ghouls now. Can we have that?

No.805
>>804
Ghouls are basically something halfway between zombies and cannibals, right? Find some books about smart zombies or dumb cannibals, badda-bing badda-boom.

No.810
>>799
VAMPIRES:

THE ORIGINAL HEAVIES.

No.816
>>804

The Upir fits all the classic symptoms of the vampire; he's a human being who died and returned from the grave to feast on the living. The Upir was just willing to feast on both the living AND the dead.

Ghouls are something else entirely. Common conception these days is something undead, but that's really not the case at all. Ghoul comes from the Arabic "ghul" and was synonymous with "demon" or "ogre." Ghouls are sometimes equated with the djinn, but for the most part they were a generic fairy tale monster. They're rarely described, but they often tend to be physically robust, and some traditions make note of shaggy hair. Specifically, if you trimmed a ghoul's hair so it no longer hung over his eyes and obscured his vision, you would be safe from him. Babies nursed at the teat of a female ghoul (ghula) were equally immune to attack.

And the subject of "attack" is odd. In today's culture, "ghoul" tends to suggest cannibalization of the dead. Arabic ghouls were oftend escribed as lingering around battlefields and graveyards to get at the corpses, but like many demons they were also described as shapeshifters. A common story involved a lonely traveler finding a camp tended by a beautiful woman, with only a minor physical deformity (that he may not notice immediately) that identified her as a shapeshifted ghoul that was planning to devour him. One particularly bizzare description of a ghoul, in fact the only detailed description I've ever read of, described it as looking like a deformed, cycloptic ostrich.

Wendigos, well, that's a whole other bucket of worms.

No.819
>>816
>A common story involved a lonely traveler finding a camp tended by a beautiful woman, with only a minor physical deformity (that he may not notice immediately) that identified her as a shapeshifted ghoul that was planning to devour him.

Reminds me of a story I read once of a traveler who encountered a strange castle or fortress in a desert, and sought aid at it. He was accepted in by a deformed and ugly doorman, but told to keep his eyes closed until he was shown to his room. He heard strange noises but kept his eyes closed.

When he reached his room he was told a servant woman would be in shortly to provide him with food and hot water for bathing. The servant woman is deformed is some manner I cannot remember, but they make love anyway.

I don't remember the story too well, actually. Long story short the castle is full of people who couldn't belong anywhere else, and that's why the traveler was forced to keep his eyes shut when going to his room. I can't even remember how it ended...

No.910
Is it wrong that I want Joachim Valentine from Shadow Hearts to fight Edward?

No.911
File: 123023946751.gif-(59.60KB, 387x300, tapir-info0.gif)
911
>>804

... Fallout ghouls? :D

>>816

At first, I read Upir as Tapir.

No.928
File: 123075561763.jpg-(20.48KB, 394x331, Untitled.jpg)
928
>>911

No.929
File: 123076801496.jpg-(98.97KB, 604x830, 1228640440462.jpg)
929
Postan moar.

No.930
File: 123076822098.jpg-(71.91KB, 380x760, 1228640813593.jpg)
930

No.931
File: 12307684108.jpg-(133.17KB, 615x649, 1228641039560.jpg)
931

No.932
File: 123076895971.png-(18.89KB, 700x550, 1228645322941.png)
932

No.933
>>928

URRRRRRRONK-RONK

Tapirs are terrifying.

No.953
http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/stephanie-meyer-letter.php

I think you guys will like this.

No.1183
File: 123533210574.png-(396.55KB, 486x3155, Castlevania.png)
1183
how has this not been posted?

No.1206
File: 123572013120.png-(524.61KB, 727x1099, Meanwhile--Before_the_Sun_Rises_page_1_by_Jhonen_V.png)
1206
I posted this on a Twilight thread on /x/ once and they loved it. I said that this should be the fate Stephenie Meyer and the fans of her shitty series.

No.1207
File: 123572015274.png-(559.88KB, 732x1087, Meanwhile--Before_the_Sun_Rises_page_2_by_Jhonen_V.png)
1207

No.1208
File: 123572017911.png-(774.96KB, 748x1076, Meanwhile--Before_the_Sun_Rises_page_3_by_Jhonen_V.png)
1208

No.1209
File: 123572020296.png-(768.70KB, 748x1076, Meanwhile--Before_the_Sun_Rises_page_4_by_Jhonen_V.png)
1209

No.1210
Also, has anyone been here?

http://twilightsucks.proboards81.com/

This section will make you RAGE FFFFFFFFFFFF!

http://twilightsucks.proboards81.com/index.cgi?board=fangirls&action=display&thread=5175&page=1

No.1222
>>1210
A comunity has grown and developed around the hatred the twilight books generate... my god.

No.1230
>>1210
>obscene amount of attacks on Anti's:
>Pushed down stairs
>Punched in the jaw
>Beat with a bat
>Threatened with knife
>Attempted drowning
>Brick thrown at head
>Broken arm
HOLY SHIT! I'm never going to say a word about these shitty books ever.

No.1234
>>1230
THEN THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON.

No.1235
http://twilightsucks.proboards81.com/index.cgi?board=fangirls&action=display&thread=8239

http://twilightsucks.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=fangirls&action=display&thread=9462

Shit-JESUS, these two take the cake.

-Attacked with ACID, then stabbed MULTIPLE TIMES with a compass. Y'know, drawing compass.
-Shot with a SIGNAL FLARE.

...I don't remember Potter fanatics ever getting this violent.

No.1237
Jesus, this is how bad movies start. It's only a matter of time before they start getting REALLY crazy and a memetics expert, his FBI agent ex-girlfriend, and Shia LaBeouf uncover the secret behind all of this.

No.1518
>>1206
>>1207
>>1208
>>1209

IT'S LIKE JHONEN VASQUEZ SAW IT COMING TEN YEARS AGO

No.1520
>>1208
>silently vomiting
Still funny after all these years.
>>1209
>That fucking vampire.
I do believe we've all been saying that quite a lot lately.

No.1528
>>1513
I think this may have been a joke one of the twilight fans made, I mean there's a batman's prayer on the net somewhere.

No.1601
>>1528
It may have been a joke, but I bet you ten to one there are fantards who will take it seriously.

No.1619
Have there actually been news reports on any of these attacks? I'm sure most of them are real, but it's suspicious if none of them have been reported in the mainstream media.

No.1639
>>788
No. Too much christian bullshit.

No.1640
>>780
Number of Pages in the Book: 498
The First Hint of a Plot that Is Not Bella and Edward's Romance: page 328
When the Plot Actually Arrives: page 372

Boys that Totally Love Bella (Including Edward Cullen): 5

Approximate Amount of Time Bella and Edward are Romantically Involved Before Bella Is Begging Edward to Turn Her into a Vampire so They Can Be Together Forever: Like, two weeks. Maybe three. The timeline's a bit fuzzy.

References to Edward's Beauty: 165

Broken Down into the following categories -

* Face: 24 (Favorite adjectives: glorious, heavenly, seraphic)
* Voice: 20 (The voice of an archangel, donchaknow.)
* Eyes: 17
* Movement: 11
* Smile: 10
* Teeth: 8
* Muscles: 7
* Skin: 7 (Note: This only contains accounts of Edward's skin being beautiful. I didn't count references to it as "pale," "cold," or "white." If I had, this number would be about ten times larger.)
* Iron Strength or Limbs: 5
* Breath: 4 (EVEN HIS BREATH IS AMAZING.)
* Scent: 4
* Laughter: 3
* Handwriting: 2
* Chest: 2
* Driving Skills: 1

No.1641
>>1640
The Number of Times...

* Bella Is Clumsy or Makes a Reference to Her Clumsiness: 26
* Bella Sneers at Forks or Its Inhabitants: 22
* Bella is "Dazzled" or Rendered Speechless by Edward's Beauty or Touch: 17
* Edward Tells Bella to Stay Away from Him While Completely Contradicting Himself with His Behavior: 16
* Bella is Utterly Desolate at Edward's Absence: 12
* Edward and Bella Kiss: 8
o Bella's Hormones Get the Better of Her and She Attacks Edward, Almost Causing Him to Eat Her: 2 (She's not even allowed to kiss him back! Where's the fun in that?)
o Edward's Kiss Makes Bella Faint: 1
o Edward's Kiss Makes Bella's Heart Literally Stop: 1
* Bella Thinks She Isn't Good Enough for Edward: 6
* Edward Is Referred to As Godlike: 5 (Note: This number might be off, as I didn't start counting until three or four mentions in.)
* Edward Tells Bella She's Unnatural: 5
* Edward Sparkles: 3
* Bella is in Mortal Danger: 3
o Edward Saves Bella from Mortal Danger: 3
* Edward Stalks Bella, For Real: 2 (Note: One of these instances involves watching her sleep every night for, like, months.)
* Bella says "Holy Crow!": 2
* Bella and Edward Argue About Who Loves the Other Most: 1
* Edward's Inability to Read Bella's Mind is Explained: 0

No.1642
>>1640
>>1641
Took awhile, but thanks a bundle Doc.

No.1654
  No son of mine sparkles!

No.1661
File: 123975382059.jpg-(341.51KB, 600x3751, Bella_says____by_Aleina_chan.jpg)
1661
So kawaii desu nee ^_^

No.1662
File: 123975397934.jpg-(151.43KB, 800x996, Bella_Barbie_by_PinkPigtails.jpg)
1662

No.1663
File: 123975401550.jpg-(753.98KB, 1200x2600, Bella_Swan_sucks_by_Lelia.jpg)
1663

No.1664
File: 123975419582.jpg-(109.54KB, 600x464, SMeyer_is_Bella__Anti_Twilight_by_IHeartChaosTheor.jpg)
1664

No.1665
File: 123975500818.jpg-(55.70KB, 600x524, Alice_Sports_The_Look_by_L16.jpg)
1665

No.1666
File: 123975512555.jpg-(136.47KB, 800x600, The_Cullens_by_Rinian.jpg)
1666
My search for fanart of Alice and Ed's mom raping Bella in front of him has failed.

No.1667
File: 123979934310.jpg-(97.23KB, 761x710, silent_movie_by_whitedog1.jpg)
1667
It appears that I have found an Alice/Jacob shipper.

I have no objections to this.

No.1668
File: 12397995224.jpg-(132.66KB, 700x785, jewelry_shopping_by_whitedog1.jpg)
1668
Though I warn you: do not check out her dA account unless you're prepared for her other stuff. Her gallery has a lot of yaoi. And furries.

No.1669
File: 123979967343.jpg-(81.96KB, 700x541, quick_thinking_by_whitedog1.jpg)
1669

No.1670
File: 123980614125.jpg-(65.75KB, 600x610, Jasper_et_Alice_by_AiloveIchigo.jpg)
1670
I have to admit the psuedo-incest thing is kind of hot. Too bad there's most of the art is faggy animu style.

No.1682
Wait, I'm confused. Did this turn into a Twilight fan thread?

No.1683
>>1682
I think it's more of a "not all Twilight fanart is horrible" thread.

No.1686
>>1683
That's rIdiculous, if it wasn't horrible, then it wouldn't be Twilight fanart!

No.1688
>>1682>>1683>>1686
YEA-wait...oooh now I feel bad.

No.1690
>>1683
But why? We're not fans, are we? We don't care.

No.1695
>>1682
I started out trying to see if this thing had any good rule 34, failed, and looked for >>1666

If it's bothering you so much I'll delete it.

No.1702
  Also, guess what's coming out on the 21st.

No.1703
>>1702
PRAISE THE DARK GODS.

No.1704
>>1702
OH HAPPY DAY!

No.1705
>>1702
It's a Christmas Miracle!

No.1707
>>1703>>1704>>1705
And lo did we lay down arms to spred the good word.

But seriously, how much do you reckon twilight fans will rage at this, will even half of them know who the RiffTrax guys are?

No.1708
>>1702
That was funny, but I still don't think I could stomach watching the whole movie.

No.1711
>>1702
I have been waiting for this for SO LONG!

No.1712
>>1707
Oh God, I can imagine the rage.

No.1720
Needs more (good) pictures sparkly vamps being torn apart by real/awesome vamps

No.1724
Your thread sucks, how dare that link trick me

No.1726
File: 124018524990.jpg-(210.64KB, 650x800, Blade kills the Cullens.jpg)
1726
>>1720
Delivered.

No.1727
>>1726
I hartily aprove.

No.1737
>>1726
MOAR

No.1740
>>1737
If we are to have more, we should do it with a variety of characters skilled at killing Vampires.

I suggest Hellboy should kill them next.

No.1742
>>1740
I still want to see Alex Louis Armstrong out-sparkling Edward.

No.1746
File: 12403683657.jpg-(447.98KB, 600x768, 1239840447252.jpg)
1746
>>1742
Some drawfag read your mind and traveled back in time to do this.

No.1747
>>1746
It's beautiful...

No.1748
File: 12403742554.gif-(787.07KB, 480x360, clap.gif)
1748
>>1746

No words. Should have sent a poet.

No.1757
File: 124045294314.jpg-(11.86KB, 458x84, Twilight_AvailableBanner.jpg)
1757
IT'S OUT BITCHES

No.1780
File: 124058608068.jpg-(176.89KB, 600x788, Tidings_of_Comfort_and_Joy_by_L16.jpg)
1780
>>1720

There was a really good vampire movie made last year. I heard the book's even better.

No.1792
File: 124061703875.jpg-(173.89KB, 640x480, SpikeAndAngelvsEdward.jpg)
1792
Someone on /co/ requested a picture of Angel and Spike beating up Edward.

Signals, however, got crossed.

The result is, in my opinion, much better.

No.1793
>>1792

Yeah, I like that Spike better.

No.1795
To be fair the Angel and Spike they meant were dangerously verging on sparkle territory themselves towards the end, so this is a much better choice of characters.

No.1806
Still no Hellboy
:(

No.1812
>>1806
I would also settle for Harry Dresden.

No.1813
>>1806
>>1812

'Kay, guys, how about HARRY HELLBOY

No.1817
>>1813
Together?
How about we start making a list.

Hellboy.
Harry Dresden.
John Constantine.

No.1818
>>1817
Id settle for good (really) old van hellsing beating edward up with his walking stick. "In ma day, abominations before god didnt sparkle!"

No.1820
Read Twilight.
Read all of Edward Cullen's lines...
In Peter Cullen's voice.
Quality of book suddenly skyrockets.
Bella is now dating Optimus Prime.
He has a reason for sparkling.
He's made of metal.

No.1826
>>1820
.... I... the image alone.

No.1827
>>1817
I read one with Alucard once.

No.1828
>>1820

I'm totally doing this.

No.1829
>>1827
Hmm...maybe I should try writefagging some of this.

No.1874
  QUICK WATCH IT BEFORE IT GETS TAKEN DOWN

No.1875
>>1874

Oh god I lol'd. The forest scene was my favorite. No, I'm a metropire.

No.1876
>>1875

Metropyre: Now what I will call every vampire wannabe.

No.1878
>>1876
Seconding that. But is it spelt metro-pire or metro-pyre?

No.1879
File: 124140235589.gif-(1.12MB, 622x621, LMAO.gif)
1879
Also, Livejournal is your friend. Or at least the enemy of your enemy. http://binsybaby.livejournal.com/619568.html

(Pic animooted.)

No.1880
>>1878

Metropire refers to a metrosexual vampire in life, and metropyre when it is being, or has been, burnt alive.

No.1881
File: 124143931989.jpg-(57.79KB, 600x514, I_Don\'t_Sparkle__Bella_by_StarDragon77.jpg)
1881
I'm just gonna leave this here

No.1882
File: 124144619137.gif-(3.08MB, 320x136, 00006kwz.gif)
1882
>>1879
And to think the whole series could have ended 15 minutes in.

No.1883
GUESS WHO JUST GOT THE AVI FILE FOR THE RIFF AND IS UPLOADING IT RIGHT NOW TO MOGULUS

No.1884
>>1883
Wow, you're quite awesome. It's you, isn't it?

No.1885
Vampires need to be classy.

No.1886
>>1883
I love you Sev.

No.1887
>>1883
WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE ON

OH MAN IT'LL BE LIKE DELGO ALL OVER AGAIN

No.1888
>>1881
Now we just need Hellboy.

No.1889
>>1883
Shit, you gotta hook us up. I... I feel I NEED to see it. Something deep inside of me needs to hear them give Twilight what-for.

...I think it's my penis.

No.1891
>>1883
Please make sure to announce it on steam when you show it sev (Im asuming its tv whoring 3 its going on)

No.1896
>>1820
And a reason for going on about her stupid truck:
It's Ironhide.

No.2129
File: 124267368129.jpg-(24.19KB, 285x475, Silver_kiss.jpg)
2129
'Sup.

No.2133
File: 124269999062.jpg-(208.97KB, 662x940, twilight_by_makani.jpg)
2133
No thread about stuff enjoyed by desperate teenage girls is complete without Makani.

No.2291
File: 124387210381.png-(107.18KB, 740x488, troll_slayer.png)
2291
KNOW THIS: She can destroy us with merely a thought.

No.2292
>>2291
Meh pissing in an ocean of piss as they say.

No.2293
>>2291
I want this to happen. So, so much.

No.2295
>>2293
>Wants to infect 4chan with the brunt of Meyer's faggotreich
>Doesn't seem to understand that WE'RE NEXT

;_;

No.2296
>>2295
I don't think you seem to understand what would happen to these kids once they stumbled in. The majority of them will flock to /b/ as its fucking stink to flies with these kinds of twats. A few of them will be culled and warped by the occasional cp and gore picture and they will eventually be found out by over protective parents or whatever when they notice the kinds of pictures little dipshit has on their computer and the sites they've visited. Then after a few days some of them will be distracted by a common interest in another board and after a few failed threads, inability to adapt to the current high school crowd mentality and deserved or random bans they will be emotionally wrecked as any other faggot that complains about bans here and dissolve or mutate into something else. But for the last few they will be indoctrinated into the regular troll herd, their objective lost, their threads about as effective as a month old meme and addiction to some fetish porn they will either forget or become a hate fan like anyone else outside of those strictly fan sites because these are easily manipulated preteens who only want to fit in with some imaginary group that can’t see how physically repulsive they really are and only deal with their mental issues. You give these girls gay porn and they'll drop twilight like everything other old toy they got bored with.

But really this is only if the author wasn't a reactionary bitch who is too self absorbed by her apparently instant infamy and ego worship that she's too busy to do anything either than eat her own shit or roll in her money like a pig in mud.

No.2299
File: 124391550787.jpg-(89.53KB, 404x376, lanceboyleisshocked.jpg)
2299
>>2296

Okay. Let's make a deal. You keep your philosophy about that, and I'll keep mine... that throwing fuel on the fire can't be good for any corner of the internet, even our peaceful little +4chan mountain community of happy little stone-walled thatched-roof cottages with happy little chimneys and porches with old ladies and cute little corgis sittin' on 'em.

No.2303
>>2299
Well you're still making them out to be more than they ever could be but do as you will. They aren't some militant fetish group that throws itself into wherever it wants; they're fans that will bury themselves into holes specifically tailored to only praise the fandom and series. They'd have more of a chance finding and using 7 or some other major chan then this little community.

No.2305
>>2295
Just wait until they come out with the Twilight comic series.

No.2306
File: 124393897471.png-(107.54KB, 740x488, this is the best idea ever.png)
2306
The pen is mightier than the lol.

No.2307
>>2306
Hey, Kosh! Quit riding on my coattails.
>>2291

No.2320
File: 124412489659.jpg-(33.56KB, 292x453, DrManhattan.jpg)
2320
>>2296
>WALL OF TEXT
...Dude, I dislike Twilight too but seriously relax. You're going to pop a blood vessel.

No.2337
File: 124439795171.jpg-(674.44KB, 850x1962, Vampires__by_zorm.jpg)
2337

No.2339
File: 124442912396.jpg-(45.45KB, 450x600, dabel_skindeep.jpg)
2339
I suspect that the Red Court vampires from the Dresden Files books will always be my favorite breed. They look like beautiful humans, but when they start to take damage their outer skin peels away and reveals their true forms: giant fucking bats whose bellies bulge out like mosquitos' when they've had too much blood. That's actually the best way to take them down: if you rupture their stomachs all the blood will spill out and drain them of their power. Not that the sun doesn't do a good job of killing them on its own.

Also, their saliva is a highly addictive narcotic. I LOVE THIS SERIES SO GODDAMN MUCH!

No.2341
File: 124445870565.jpg-(54.91KB, 715x534, 1244446985667.jpg)
2341
I'm suddenly inspired to achieve greatness all over again.

No.2343
>>2341

* - Author must have no shame, capacity to write volumes of fluff, and ability to pander must be infinite.

No.2522
http://www.the-editing-room.com/twilight.html

I thought this was hilarious.

No.2523
>>2522

I'm not even a quarter down and I'm more entertained than I was by the actual movie.

No.2524
>>2523

>PULL OUT BEFORE THE CLIMAX

I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY AHAHAHAHAHAFASFLASKGA;LKALNG;OAN

No.2525
>Once upon a time, there lived an enchanting girl named Stephenie Meyer, er I mean Kristen Stewart.

Wins in the First sentence.

No.2527
File: 124543970262.gif-(315.19KB, 1198x414, best-idea-ever.gif)
2527
>>2522

No.3669
  I don't hate twilight anymore. The parodies are too good.

No.3675
File: 125916590259.jpg-(94.22KB, 680x1100, 017.jpg)
3675
Vampires you say?

No.3676
File: 125916592513.jpg-(108.80KB, 691x1100, 018.jpg)
3676

No.3741
File: 126020565121.jpg-(164.56KB, 400x1101, Shrimp_and_Champagne_by_L16.jpg)
3741

No.3742
File: 126020590529.jpg-(118.98KB, 600x662, SNIFF_by_L16.jpg)
3742
:3

Their love is so beautiful.

No.3776
File: 126053615623.jpg-(41.40KB, 500x500, 51jto1tP2wL._SS500_.jpg)
3776
>There's something achingly familiar about Daniel Grigori.

>Mysterious and aloof, he captures Luce Price's attention from the moment she sees him on her first day at the Sword & Cross boarding school in sultry Savannah, Georgia. He's the one bright spot in a place where cell phones are forbidden, the other students are all screw-ups, and security cameras watch every move.

>Even though Daniel wants nothing to do with Luce--and goes out of his way to make that very clear--she can't let it go. Drawn to him like a moth to a flame, she has to find out what Daniel is so desperate to keep secret . . . even if it kills her.

>Dangerously exciting and darkly romantic, Fallen is a page turning thriller and the ultimate love story.

tl;dr - This one is about angels. Which are basically how Meyer described her vampires.

No.3777
>>3776
Shoulda mentioned, it was brought up in the Penny Arcade news post on the 10th.

http://www.penny-arcade.com/2009/12/9/

No.3778
>>3776
The fact the the woman on the cover is facepalming speaks on a lot of levels.

No.3779
>>3778

That's a 15 year old DevART user, not a woman.

No.3782
>>3779
Whatever.

No.3869
File: 126225848363.png-(29.16KB, 616x486, fans.png)
3869
How Twilight Works:
http://theoatmeal.com/story/twilight

No.3879
No surprise the lame nerds who only read shit books are itchin' like crazy to talk about motherfuckin Twilight. It doesn't matter at all how much they hate it, they jsut love talking about it. I wonder why

No.3891
File: 126274665678.jpg-(37.90KB, 299x400, 1260420143172.jpg)
3891
>>3879

Bile Fascination. It's like a train wreck, you see. It's bad, we know we shouldn't be looking at it and we hate ourselves for looking at it. But we just can't look away.

Also, making fun of stupid shit is funny.

>>692

In one of the New Moon rage threads on Something Awful, someone said that, alternatively, you can interpret it as being in WoD, and that Bella is just a deranged ghoul of crazy Nosferatu Edward who thinks that he's some magical perfect sparkly vampire who is deeply in love with her.

And his Gangrel buddy Jacob occasionally comes around and he lets him feed off of her.

No.3893
When it comes to vampires, I've always liked the way The Dresden Files handles it. In addition to the Red Court, which >>2339 described, there's the White Court, who are a race of half-human emotion eating vampires- they're born human and turn into a vampire around the time they hit puberty; the transformation occurs when they feed the first time, and the first feeding is always fatal. It's possible to prevent this from happening, however- one White Court vamp says that he wants his little sister to lose her virginity to someone she's in love with, because their family feeds on lust (by having sex) and is damaged by love, so having her first time with a loved one should stop her demonic Hunger from ever awakening. The three houses that have been revealed are Raith, Malvora, and Skavis. House Raith feeds on lust, and is the most commonly seen kind. House Malvora feeds on fear, and House Skavis feeds on despair. All White Court vamps have an unholy love for Xanatos Gambits- they never do anything directly, it's always done through clandestine channels and cat's-paws. In general, they're pretty damn cool.
Then there's the Black Court, which are classic vampires right out of Dracula, with all the inherent strengths and weaknesses- repelled by garlic and symbols of faith, can shapeshift, kill when they feed, and are most definitely not human. They're walking, talking corpses, complete with rotting skin and everything. The White Council, the governing body of wizards, actually convinced Bram Stoker to write Dracula so that everyone would know how to kill them, so now there's not many left- but the ones that are left are the most dangerous ones around. Dresden has to tangle with them a few times, and they're hellishly dangerous.
There's also a passing mention of a Jade Court, but they haven't come into play yet.

No.3894
>>3893
I agree. The unique take on vampires is one of the many reasons I love the Dresden Files so much.

No.3900
>>3893
When it comes to vampires, they should have a d12 HD, gaseous form as a spell like ability, turn resistance, and stat bonuses.

No.3908
https://plus4chan.org/boards/coc/res/21169.html

I may as well cross-post this here.

No.4123
  I like this guy.

No.4186
File: 126806882870.jpg-(65.50KB, 466x326, Fran suprised.jpg)
4186
I apologise for asking this in advance but, has Frankenstein's monster got the Twilight/Anita Blake treatment yet? If not then by god I think I know how to make some money this summer.

No.4206
File: 126860504645.png-(644.62KB, 700x1474, What_bella_should_have_done.png)
4206
>>4186

I vote for now calling anything like that being "Meyered"

No.4229
>>4186
When you think about it, it wouldn't be that hard to romanticize.

No.4230
File: 126965727743.jpg-(185.49KB, 607x600, Frankensteins_Monster_by_humon.jpg)
4230
>>4186
In the book, the monster's "components" were all chosen with handsomeness in mind, but together they were somehow disturbing. Though there was no mention of stitched-up scars covering its body, the monster always looks kind of dead, with yellowed skin and sunken eyes and dark lips and whatnot. Also, keep in mind that it was no lumbering brute: the monster was a veritable mountain goat in terms of speed and dexterity, and was a very fast learner (it learned how to speak and read French by hiding in a shed with some books and spying on the family next door).

No.4239
o lawd, did I hear somebody mention Promethean: the Created?... Not really? O well.

Well a Frankenstein's Monster turned into a silly preteen girl moistening idealist fantasy icon wouldn't be too awful hard.

First, you'd need to find some means of origins that are both generally moral friendly and not too awful deep or meaningful. In Meyer's vampires, drinking human blood was optional. Being sewn up out of other bodies isn't FAAA BUU LOUS as an origin story. Is the creature a being of science, super science, or magic? Is it ethnocultural wanking, like a bonafide Hebrew Golem, or something public domain?

Third is figuring out what elements of a Promethean Creaure can be Meyerized to be "kawaii uguu." Sparkling vampires with super attributes and mental powers.

Second, The Promethean Boy and The Girl Reader's Avatar need some means of interaction. The age and status of this co-star does not necessarily have to depend on the age and status of the reader, though it's recommended to keep her young; the unhappily married mother of 3 will lust after Edward, but Julie McEveryTeen might not connect with a hunky monster hitting on a MILF. ("They're so faaaaat!")

My recommendation based on these parameters
Wee Chicks dig biblical references. We'll call him "Adam Kadmon," since even though it's technically blasphemy in the non-Western Abrahamic world, it's still a thing that affirms their faith. And thus, Jesus and America would approve.

For an origin story, something equally shallow and pseudo-interesting. A wicked stepmother or witch type character. We'll say she's an occultist/scientist with some gobbildygook, working for a pharmaceutical company as a Tony Stark or Bruce Wayne type figure.
Bitches like celebrities, too. So incorporating that, the experiment/project will try to MERGE ALL THE BEAUTIFUL GENES from ALL THE MOST BEAUTIFUL INTELLIGENT CELEBRITIES! That covers the namedropping and bloodline inexplicably to everything from Will Smith to Tom Cruise. Viola, I have created the son of -every celebrity-!

Adam is the best of everything, to exaggerated levels. He's a designer baby. That's his job. He's also mentally dull despite being hyper intelligent and emotional. So paradoxically he's unstoppable, and yet also fragile and needs help.

Maybe he escapes through force, maybe he stealths his way out like a reverse of Princess Jasmine wandering Agrabah. Through whatever means, he comes into contact with The Girl. "OMG HANDSOME HE HAS PUPPY BREATH HOT HE'S SO CUTE." Maybe they spend the rest of the book on the run from the Wicked Stepmother of Science, with The Girl teaching the manbaby about the world and helping him heal the emotional scars. Hell, maybe as they progress, she becomes the super special snowflake every readers knows themselves to be and learns magic.

To any writers capable of swallowing their integrity to write, publish and profit off of this, have at it.

No.4240
File: 12699343832.jpg-(26.79KB, 300x298, EdwardScissorhands[1].jpg)
4240
Wait... Did somebody say "Twilight version Frankenstein"?

No.4274
>>4230
Just make sure he isn't sitched together from the parts of others. Victor created all the organs but just made them a little bit bigger because he couldn't make them any smaller.



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