Well, first off, I hope you know that your primer is more for YOU rather than the reader. It reads more like your personal notes rather than a presentaion of the narrative. So I read "Gangland Troubadours" pretending I hadn't read your primer.

And honestly, I'm not a big fan of your form of narration in "Gangland Troubadours". It seems to jump from scripted dialouge towards the 'read from a manila folder notes' style your primer takes on. Thats not to say it doesn't work, espcially in novella format. But it seems to be written in too formalized method and just-the-facts to a degree that it takes you out of the more interpersonal dialogue moments.

Theres a lot of moments like that. Things that read more like scriptwriter's notes jarr you out of the flow of the narrative. Thankfully, whats there of the narrative does flow well. You avoid too much over-explanation, though it crops up awkwardly from time to time. Technology and equipment usually don't need that level of depth till they assist the plot, not just when first introduced. It actually makes the action more intense when descriptions are tied to in-world use. Tom Clancy masters that, at least, if not plot twists and character archetypes.

I can e-mail you a way more blow-by-blow ripping into if you need it. Espcially on those Slipstream and Oxide characters. Their personas and interactions get a bit weak, but that may be due to the tough one-liner action act they follow.

>>5215
Have I mentioned I respect both your insight and ability to say what needs to be said?

>>5216

Bluntness and concious mutual respect kinda come with the degree, for what little its worth.

>>5215
I knew something felt off about the narration, thanks for making it a lot more clear.

>>5224

The type of narration you're using works better if you're focusing more on places, ideas, and themes rather than chracters. One of the last few books Issac Asimov did is in this style, "Nemesis", and its weakest scenes are when dealing with the characters rather than his concepts of living planets and spacetravel.

You gotta decide where you want your narrative focus.

>>5232
The problem is I'm very focused on world building first then character building second... Which is exactly what you're getting at. I've been working at forming this little universe of mine for almost a decade now and this is my first real forray into the character part of it. I've been writing myself little encyclopedias of the history, technology, organizations, factions, government rules, structures species and what have you that I guess in my excitement to paint the world I didn't have enough colors for the characters... gotta work on that.

>>5233

Well, you've got psych profiles on these characters to an insane degree. They live in and have grown up in your world. Let their actions and needs and personalities help explain and examine it.