>> |
No. 34396
>>34395 >Is this what you wanted?
A Cra enters a pet shop.
Eva: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Eva: 'Ello, Miss?
Iop (The god): What do you mean "miss"?
Eva: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Iop: We're closin' for lunch.
Eva: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Shushu Guardian what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Iop: Oh yes, the, uh, the Sadlygrove...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Eva: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Iop: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's entering the legend.
Eva: Look, matey, I know a dead Iop when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Iop: No no he's not dead, he's, he's enterin' the legend! Remarkable fighter, the Sadlygrove, idn'it, ay? Beautiful pectorals!
Eva: The abs don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Iop: Nononono, no, no! 'E's entering the legend!
Eva: All right then, if he's enterin', I'll pul 'im out! (shouting at the corpse) 'Ello, Mister Grovy! I've got a lovely fresh Cra for you if you show...
(owner hits the corpse)
Iop: There, he moved!
Eva: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the body!
Iop: I never!!
Eva: Yes, you did!
Iop: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the body repeatedly) 'ELLO DALLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock Xelor call!
(Thumps the body's head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Eva: Now that's what I call a dead Iop.
Iop: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Eva: STUNNED?!?
Iop: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Sadlygroves stun easily, major.
Eva: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That knight is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged fight.
Iop: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the swords.
Eva: PININ' for the SWORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Iop: The Sadlygrove prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable fighter, id'nit, squire? Lovely pectorals!
Eva: Look, I took the liberty of examining that knight when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been standing up in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Iop: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that fighter down, it would have gone Shushu, bent you in 'alf and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Eva: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this Sadlygrove wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Iop: No no! 'E's entering the legend!
Eva: 'E's not enterin'! 'E's passed on! This Iop is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the floor 'e'd be a bloody statue, pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-IOP!!
(pause)
Iop: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of Sadlygroves.
Eva: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Iop: I got an Eliatrope .
(pause)
Eva: Pray, is it a sexual tyrannosaurus?
Iop: ... yes. A little.
Eva: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Iop: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Eva: Well.
(pause)
Iop: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Eva: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
|