shut up bard

>having roommates

>that feel when having roomates after living on your own for so long

You know, there has been a lot of discussion about eating retarded roommates, and I think everyone here can see how fantastic this idea is. But there's one problem: no one is telling this guy how he should eat his roommate. People, eating roommates who don't deserve to live on this earth is a goddamn delicacy. You can't just go and tell a guy to just do it, there is a procedure to feasting on the flesh of the unworthy!

So, Anon, look- I know this may be uncharted territory for you, and that's okay, we all had our first time devouring the juicy flesh of those who do not deserve to live.

So I'm gonna give you some pointers here:
1. Before you even begin, think about this person. I mean, really think about this person. They probably have a family, people who love them and care for them. People who will miss them when they are dead and gone, the only remains their hollow bones, buried in your backyard. This person has a life.
This person got vinegar and oil mixed up.
Kill them.
Wipe their existence from this earth.
Become consumed in the thrill of death, in the power of taking one's life from another. They are weak, and you are strong.

2. Offer this pathetic shell of a human as a sacrifice for The Ones Who Wait Below.
I don't understand how everyone misses this one! You're gonna eat your roommate, that's is something that, really, you just have to do at this point. Why not kill two birds with one stone and get some brownie points with The Ancient Ones Who Will One Day Rise and Bring Madness and Doom to Our Frail World? No reason!

3. The murder!
There are a lot of ways to do this. Give it some thought, take your time, be creative!
I'd recommend getting a giant fryer and frying in oil for that artistic touch, and then telling this guy that the fryer is a giant hot-tub and he should really take a dip.
Now I know what you're thinking, "But how am I gonna get this turd into a fryer? There's no way he/she is gonna fall for that!"
They got vinegar and oil mixed up.
They will believe it.

But there are many way to kill someone, and it's probably better that you figure it out for yourself just how you want this pathetic sack of meat to die.

4. Eat that fucker.
I am not an expert on the matters of cooking a human being, but information into this subject is easy enough to find. There's no reason you shouldn't this waste of flesh taste amazing.


There are some other important matter that come up with eating your roommate, such a legal matters and the whole possibly making a binding pact with deities who will demand the flesh of innocents, but you seem like a smart fellow who doesn't mistake vinegar for oil. I'm sure you can handle yourself.
Remember: eating your roommate can only open the doors to new, wonderful things like eating your parents or that one dick who laughed when you stuttered while giving a presentation to your class or that jackass who called you a faggot while you were going for a walk.
You have the power.

>people who like ferrous

Why does every city I go to keep having historically crazy weather or bad shit go down right as we lea e

Go to Britain in 2003, summer hottest ever recorded and the tarmac melts
Go to Louisiana, leave for Beaumont as Hurrican Katrina comes in, leave for home as Rita shows up
Live in Texas during massive localized drought
Move ro Arkansas as thr localized drought moves with me
Go drive to Missouri nearly get killed by giant Oklahoma tornado
Get to Missouri the route is washed out by floods and powerful River mud
Go to Shanghai now oh look at that hottest days in recorded history what a surprise

I swear I've got terrible weather superpowers
Maybe I should fight crime and my logo can be a little cloud blowing raspberries and flipping the bird

I realize eating her would solve quite a few problems. But here's the thing: I don't think she'd taste very good. She'd be incredibly tough and knowing her diet doesn't exactly make this an appetizing proposition. Also, I don't have enough space in the freezer for all the meat. I could probably eat for a week with just one leg while the rest would go off. And I don't like wasting food.

>not eating the brain and throwing everything else away
>2011

>>382850
I'd rather not eat the brain of a lesbican. What if I catch the gays?

>mum drinks a bottle of wine every night
>that's unhealthy in its own right but now she's ill and on meds it's pretty not okay at all
>tactically ask for a drink of wine every night (1/3 of a bottle is still 1/3 less for her)
>works for a while
>she's started buying two bottles of wine a night

Touche, mum. Touche.

>>382853
eat your mom??

Remember kids, take small bites when eating your friends

wait i thought you were supposed to wait until marriage to eat someone

If he got that much vinegar in the air while cooking, it might have soaked through him somehow and made him taste all vinegary.

bbbrraaaaaains

>>382853
2 glasses a day of red is good for the heart.

1 bottle of red a day will kill her liver.

2 bottles a day will make her daughter eat her.

anglos...

IT'S HAPPENING
WE'RE MEETING IN LIKE TWO HOURS AND I DUNNO WHAT TO WEAR

inb4 eat her, i'm trying so hard to contain the creep.

>>382846
it's too late. i've tricked them all.

>>382862
latex paint , knee high boots, and a fur coat

>>382862
Wait eat her as in the topic of this thread, or eat her in a lesbian fashion?

>>382862
a ten gallon hat

>>382864
I have a fur coat but it's too warm to wear it.

I'm wearing snake and bug themed jewellery 'cause we're both creepycute, I hope she likes it. uwu

>>382865
Both, but this is just a friendship thing so neither. :(

>>382861
>not in the confederations cup

All of a sudden I can't look at peaches without seeing breasts. Wish I knew why. There's really no commonality between the two besides general shape. It's becoming a bit of a problem.

>>382870
'cause the Madness of boobs.

>>382870
hey anon

>>382870
But peaches look like butts, not boobs.

>>382873
now every time he looks at butts he'll see boobs

I'm TeethandHunger, and this is my favorite Thread on this website station.

>>382870
Have you been listening to the Steve Miller Band a lot lately?

>>382841
What else are you going to eat?

we got turned away from the club for some reason so i brought her home and she ate my garlic bread and fell asleep

what did i do wrong???????????

I'm really glad a couple of my close bros decided that now would be a good time to start treating me like shit. Makes leaving forever Tuesday morning a whole lot easier.

>>382884
>she ate my garlic bread
Is that some sort of euphemism?

>>382884
Buy more garlic bread in the future.

>>382884
You're asking US as you take pics of her while she sleeps??

>>382884
Oops, missed that post. Sorry.

>>382884
Awww so cute.

>>382889
>>382891
Wait....she did whut?

>>382884
oh...OH.....Tooth, sirosly?

Silliness aside, I kinda think you should delete the pic. For politeness sake for your friend.
On the other hand you know your friend better than us. We just don't her to get angry with you is all.

>>382884

<3

I see peaches and I think of Animal Crossing. Or of being hungry. Not boobs or butts. Sex is kind of a "meh" thing for me-- the only partners I've had either were asexual/abstinent, or screwed me over before we had sex. So it'd take a lot for me to be interested in it again, or to really want to lose my virginity right now.

TBH though the only things I intensely want right now don't exist, or seem really far-fetched.

get compliments from teacher at trapeze class
watch a wes anderson film with date
dine out and have decent conversation which led to talking about
mutual interest in bdsm and control play, compatible drug interests... etc
come home to get carlita danger pictures on my email from another familiar girl

...

didn't get attacked by kaiju.

fuck. yes.

2013 has been the worst year of my life

by far

>>382895
You don't have to like or even be interested in sex to giggle when you see a butt.

Ermm, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz?
Hey guys, I wanna Seymour Butz!

>thinking about paying >$150 for an office chair with a mesh bottom so that my swamp ass doesn't get so bad

I feel like all the issues in my life are trite and petty

>>382898
This is true. I can definitely laugh at them.

I have been laughing at dicks and nipples all night because I went on YouTube and said, "I am American but I want to know what Red Dwarf is and why Brits love it" and then I accidentally clips of it and Twin Peaks for some reason all night and I need to watch the full shows now.

I really don't get all this Animal Crossing mess. It's running on real time, so you have to either fuck with the clocks to do the stuff you want or you play on its terms? It's like a raiding guild but you don't get any big fire demons to kill.

Unless I'm wrong about that and it does involve dungeon crawling to fight demons.

>>382902
It is not the sort of game you play to "win" or to be the best at. It is a game where you socialize with little animal people and get furniture and slowly pay off loans. The whole point of the thing is slowing down to smell the roses--if you feel the need to "time travel" to get certain outcomes, you are probably taking the game way more seriously than it is intended to be taken.

It is basically supposed to be something you play for fifteen minutes a day, and if you miss a day it keeps going without you--but it's not like you missed anything too vital even so.

she knew about the photo (and found it funny) but i'll delete it anyway i guess.

that was a cool night.

also garlic bread was a terrible idea

>i know its your money and all that but why do you need to waste it on something like building a dalek

No mom, I can't do a short animation for your friend's business. I'm an illustrator not an animator. They're entirely different things. Stop pestering.

>>382902
>>382904
I time travel all the time. And reset. Resetti hates my guts.

But that's because I don't actually own the game and I rarely get to play it. In fact, it's only recently that I've started playing again. Weird coincidence.

>>382897
"So far". You mean "so far".

>>382906
>its only a terrible idea if you don't like garlic

I went to a Walk for Suicide Prevention.

At the end, all the participants were given butterflies that we released all at once, which symbolized hopefulness for the futre or something of that nature.

The butterflies were a bit disoriented from being in an enclosed space for a long time, and didn't fly very well. Also, the large number of butterflies in a single place attracted a large number of birds, which descended on our gathering and brutally devoured all the butterflies in front of us, who were in no shape to escape from their predators.

I'm feeling an interesting mixture of depression and amusement.

>>382915
oh jeez...

>>382914
I love garlic. It was a terrible idea because both of us had the rankest garlicky hangover burps ever when we woke up that lasted like all day.

>>382917
Cure for garlic breath.

True story.

>>382915
Bwahahahaha! Funniest thing I've heard all week!

>>382919
want

Who was the namefag that just blathered on about her gross periods non-stop? Spider-Anon?

>>382915
carry this story with you forever, its a perfect story.

>>382915
Wow.

Nothing promotes suicide like a living metaphor that as soon as you manage to crawl out of your cage of depression, some one bigger and stronger is going to come along and get you anyway.

o rite, I realized something today:
I don't even consider dating because the women I would be interested in would only be interested in the man I wish I was.

>>382926
Jazz. She just lurks now and only posts when mentioned or after a long site downtime.

So team, which are you getting?

>>382929
then why don't you work toward becoming a man you'd want to be and see if that's good enough to stir some interest?

>as if to say it were trivially easy to do so, i know, but you can't get to the goal unless you can commit to the path

>>382935
Because lazydepression.

>>382933
Black Widow and maybe the Thor.

>>382897
by far

>>382929
I do the same thing. “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” and all that jazz.

>>382933
Hulk.

>>382933
None. They're all too big for my preferences.

I don't think I've really come across a single toy I was interested in, anyways. It's all about emotional context for me, and I'm far more perked up by a thing that is attached to a person with feelings and hands and a mouth and several years of knowing me already.

>>382942
On the other end of the spectrum, I fell in love with a lamp once.

>>382942
"ME LOVE YOU"
"ME MOST ADORING OF YOU THERE IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!"

>>382942
A vibrator is like a copy of Mario Kart: Unfulfilling and meaningless on it's own, but lots of fun with a close friend or two.

>>382945
so you're saying i might still have fun if it connect over the internet?

>>382946
Yeah, a little. You're still better off all coming over to your place and having beer and nachos.

>>382945
Hey.
Mario Kart is plenty fulfilling.

>>382947

but I don't want anyone getting nachos on my dildos

>>382945
So. Wait.
Are you telling me there IS such a thing as Dildo Parties?

>>382950
Why was there ever a doubt there wasn't?

>>382951
Well when I was younger my idea of sex was pretty much shaped by porn and then I just started getting to know more women and talking to them and they pretty much all told me n some way or another that its all exaggerated and overdone so I turned down my ideas by alot.
Kinda just reduced it to 'two people just rubbing themselves over eachother in a darkly lit room'.

...
So theyre real...?

>>382948
That's only what people who've never played Mario Kart with a friend tell themselves.

>>382952
Pretty much everything is real, it's just a question of what you really want.

>>382953
D':

>>382930
Jazzgina Monologues

>>382956

The question isn't "is it real?" Someone somewhere has done anything physically possible you can think of. The question is "is it a regular thing?" Like tupperware parties, but a different kind of plastic.

Hopsin.

Kazaam reboot.

You're welcome.

>>382944
>>382945
Enh. I think I need one good or at least decent relationship before I try anything. For whatever reason, I don't have a massive libido unless I have someone specific to latch it onto.

>>382952
Porn is another thing I never got around to actually watching. I always restricted it to .gifs and pictures in case my parents waltzed into my room uninvited or some shit.

>>382964
Yknow I think thats adorable.

Like, I mean it. I think its just straight up nice of you to just be unconcerned with the shit I unwittingly think about practically day-in day-out.
Man, I just imagine you just oughtta be a pleasant person.

>>382965
Awh. Thank you, fellow Anon. I try my best.

It's not as nice as it seems, honestly...I do have interest in sex, it's just that two of my exes cheated on me before I could sleep with them, and my parents were nosy, so I figured if this was what relationships were like, unless I ran into someone who proved me different, I wanted nothing to do with them. I still do hold onto that dream of having a spouse and cuddling after sex and having a quiet life together, I guess. I try to still be pleasant despite being kind of cynical.

>>382964
>not watching porn

well tbh it's not really like you're missing anything

>>382953
>>382945
My experience playing Mario Kart with friends is that someone always finishes before/after everyone else and gets impatient, and I'm usually the only one who likes playing battle mode.
I'd say what I interpret this as meaning, but it's possibly funnier not to.

>>382964
>Porn is another thing I never got around to actually watching
Oh god, an eye virgin.

>>382973
>>382970
I've seen .gifs and pictures, I just don't want to get caught listening to it.

>>382976
I always watch porn without sound anyway. It's just awkward dirty talk or screaming and crying and either way a total boner killer.

Man I like to pretend that everything before a lady friend of mine and I was just peachy before things blew up months ago but then I remember the shit I posted here about how fucking tough it was being mutually in love with someone I couldn't be with and then I'm like oh.

Oh.

Yeah that shit almost ruined me. Let's not pretend I was slowly dying inside. She was the best and worst thing that may have happened to me in years.

May we never meet again. As if.

>>382984
That sucks man. I have similar problems.
Got into argument with ex over her cheating a few months ago and she left the apartment we were using together. Then she did something retarded: went to court, tried to get a restraining order. Judge told her to fuck off because you can't just have one of those for no reason.
So what did I do? Slept with her mother. She's hot and we're still dating, age difference only 12 years, there nothing wrong with it.

My solution is not for everyone probably, its important though to remember there are more and better fish in the sea. If you think back to all the girls you know, isn't there one thats better? Pursue her!